HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE THROWN A SUCCESSFUL PARTY

- Festivity Level One - Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling
the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree
ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

- Festivity Level Two - Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one
another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging
your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."

- Festivity Level Three - Your guests are holding conversations with
inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas
ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No
Satisfaction".

- Festivity Level Four - Your guests, food smeared across their naked
bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy
ritual. The piano is missing.


Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want
your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success,
however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as
host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on
arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an
example of how to successfully handle this situation.

Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."

You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"

Police: "No, sir, not drugs."

You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"

Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."

You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs
here, heh heh."

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"

Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent
complaints have come from Kansas."

[At this point a motorcycle, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out 
of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the 
front yard and into the nearest tree. Two naked bodies tumble off, moaning.]

You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."