WELCOME TO THE DEEP SOUTH

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving
to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help
you adapt to the difference in life styles:

 
1.  Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be instructed later how to
    use it.

2.  If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba."
    You have a 50% chance of being right.

3.  Just because you drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.  State
    the two days of the year it snows.

4.  If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.  Four men in the cab
    of a four-wheel drive pick up truck, with a 12-pack of beer and a tow
    chain will be along shortly.  Don't try to help them.  Just stay out
    of their way. This is what they live for.

5.  Don't be surprised to find movie rental and bait in the same store.

6.  Do not buy food at the movie store.

7.  If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
    alone eating.

8.  Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's"
    is plural possessive.

9.  There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
    accent, unless it is a southerner initating a Boston accent.

10.  Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11.  People walk slower here.

12.  Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.  They don't 
     understand you either.

13.  The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
     vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol", as in "big ol truck" or "big 
     ol boy".  Eighty five percent begin their new southern influenced
     dialect with this expression.  One hundred percent are in denial
     about it.

14.  The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15.  If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey y'all, watch this!" stay out of
     his way.  These are likely that last words he will ever say.

16.  Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common.
     In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 

17.  You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child.  This is
     short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of 
     saying "No!"

18.  Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.

19.  If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
     smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the 
     local general store whether you need anything or not. You just 
     have to go there.

20.  When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the
     road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and 
     that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

21.  Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns
     and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how 
     to aim.

22.  In the South we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green
     lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

23.  If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we 
     will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens 
     in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
 

24.  Most Southerners don't use turn signals, and they ignore them who 
     do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern 
     license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car 
     was purchased.
 			
25.  Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  When you purchase 
     one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer.  This 
     is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than 
     the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
 
26. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know
    the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to 
    stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.