REAL MEN DON'T MISS A SEASON

   Tore up you knee playing sports this fall?  Are your buddies already
razzing you about missing the season?  No problem.
   One needn't actually ski to experience the gestalt of skiing.  Just
simulate the psychic and physical sensations.  Here are 13 ways to
duplicate those ski thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone.

     *  Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
        snowstorm and you're tailing an 18-wheeler.  Stop at any gas
        station that serves food.  When the waitress asks what you'd
        like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what
        you'll get anyway.

     *  Visit you local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer
        for half an hour.  Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up.  It's
        not real skiing but it's close.

     *  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
        sandblast your face.  You'll almost believe you're skiing in front
        of a snowmaking gun.

     *  Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon
        look.

     *  Wear apre's ski boots everywhere-even in the shower.  For the
        best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan
        hounds strapped to your calves.

     *  At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in
        your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory
        bag, and poles.  Make believe you're looking for your car.

     *  For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street
        shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

     *  Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.  This will
        save you from losing it later.

     *  Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger.
        Be sure to wait in the longest line.

     *  Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day
        of the year.  Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in.  Do
        this 12 to 18 times.

     *  To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money
        to fly to a Caribbean resort.  When you arrive toss a Krugerrand
        onto the beach.  Then try to find it.

     *  To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods - with
        your eyes closed.

     *  Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
        motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

NONE OF THESE ACTIVITIES IS SKIING, BUT ALL OF THEM SURE FEEL LIKE IT !!