Date: Thu, 07 Dec 95 13:07:45 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #800-01 Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, oracle, who I am sure art busy, and wouldst prefer brevity in > one's grovelling: > > Does this tie go with this shirt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The tie may try to, but the shirt is already romantically engaged. The } problem, however, is much more deep-seated, for the tie is afraid of } commitment. So while it may be attracted to a particular shirt, it is } not, at the present, really capable of a prolonged relationship: it } usually, in sometimes a space of time no greater than a few hours, } becomes utterly unravelled. Moreover, you'd be surprised how limp it } becomes; why the creature sometimes seems utterly devoid of backbone. } The Oracle recommends that, until it matures or receives counseling, } alternatives that are not mutually exclusive, that that particular tie } be kept away from all shirts, whether the latter are already spoken for } or not. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 07 Dec 95 13:07:48 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #800-03 Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Mr. Man and all that grovelly stuff, clue me in... > > I'd thought we were just friends all along, but I'm starting to > wonder... the repeated eye contacts, the oddly gracious comment when I > noticed she'd changed her hair, the unsolicited massages, the frequent > French kisses, the way she unbuttons her clothes and wraps herself > around me with that slinky, sexy way she has... > > I have a feeling this has gone past just-friends, but am I just reading > too much into it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think you're reading too much into it. After all, if she was really } interested in you, she'd probably try something direct rather than } settle for the subtle approach. } } You owe The Oracle a signed copy of _Men are from Mars, Women from } Venus_. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 07 Dec 95 13:07:49 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #800-04 Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please ignore this message, > , And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An Oracaular Conversation with Mr. Comma: } } ORACLE: Hey there, Mr. Comma, your author claims that I should ignore } what you have to say. } } MR. COMMA: No, please, help me. I must give you a message. An important } message. } } ORACLE: Good lord, Mr. Comma, whatever would that message be. } } MR. COMMA: My wife's lost her period. She's having run-on sentences, } screaming at me without end. My captor has lost his mind. He's stealing } all the article prefixes. He's going after the exclamation points. } What's next? Dangling subjunctives? } } ORACLE: Just hold on, little buddy, I'm the Oracle, and I can help you } out. } } MR COMMA: Look at I...grammar does going...Can't finish the sentence } I've just started I'm just running on and on and on he's stealing my } life my bare existance he issing-- } } ORACLE: Just wait a second, Mr. Comma, wait a darned second...You just } seem like you're overreacting a taste. I want you to slow down and } think of all the punctuation marks you can imagine. Clear your } mind...You are a great grammeror. } Repeat to yourself: } } In a period of change, exclamation on the brain, the moon ellipses } high, Colon-cancer gives you pain; A semi-colon is a colon with a comma } gain; And the quest I on you're on, too--grammer on a higher plane } } MR. COMMA:...try... } } (Seconds pass) } } MR. COMMA: Hey. It worked. I can talk. I've regained my grammer. But } what about my wife? } } ORACLE: Ha ha...she's just fine, too. } } MR. COMMA: Really? But how?... } } ORACLE: Congradulations, Mr. Comma, you're going to be a father. } } MR. COMMA: What?...How do you KNOW that? } } ORACLE: Your wife's lost her period because she's pregnant, and those } run-on fits of rage are perfectly normal for a woman whose been knocked } up. Your reaction was normal, as well, a post-traumatic stress fit in } which one loses one's grasp of the primal reason to use proper English } to convey messages of emotional impotence or trauma. } } MR. COMMA: Gee, thanks, Oracle, what do I owe you? } } ORACLE: Just name your firstborn son after me? } } MR. COMMA: Name him Oracle? } } ORACLE: No, name him by second given name, if you would, a } configuration of letters that should fit nicely in you family scheme. } } MR. COMMA: What name would that be? } } ORACLE: Name him MNUL. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 07 Dec 95 13:07:57 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #800-09 Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who smells like violets, please tell me: > > Where have all the flowers gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Roses are red } to supplicants like you } But when thrown near light speed } they shift greatly in hue } } Thus fast moving flowers } are colors quite queer } An invisible spectrum } beyond visual sphere } } So the flowers are there } you just can't see any } Most hi-tech equipment } would probably spot many } } Roses infra-red } Voilets ultra-blue } sugar is carbon based } and so are you } } You owe the Oracle a .65 mu wavelenth rose. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Dec 95 18:13:47 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #801-03 Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, oh why, is my tie in my fly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A tie, a fly, a why, he cries. } So much for the soup, so much for the crackers } And he was hoping for all sorts of cash from his backers } And the cash people walk off, thinking he's a whacker } Leaving his firewall wide open to hackers } When all that he did was miss when he zipped } After he'd gone in, done his duty and dripped } And got it stuck, walked out the door and tripped } And trying to explain, couldn't talk well and slipped } And now he has to pay for the flak } Because his boss thought he would crack } And the money people threw him off track } All because his tie got stuck } And he had such miserable luck } Now all he can say is what the... } } What the... } } Uhhh... } } You owe the oracle an appropriate rhyme for "tie". ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Dec 95 18:13:49 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #801-04 Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, whose wisdom I require: > > Well, the war has been a long and bloody one, but thanks to General > Grant, I can say that the hostilities are near their conclusions. I > have preserved the Union and managed to free the slaves. There is much > work to do, however, we must mend the tears that have ripped the fabric > of our great nation. But I do feel I deserve this one night off and so > I ask you: > > Should I go to Ford's Theater with my wife to see _Our American > Cousin_, or should I just stay home and watch _Apollo 13_ on > pay-per-view? > > Pres. Abraham Lincoln And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. President, } } I recommend Live Theatre for you tonight... Apollo 13's ok, about three } men stuck in a cold little box surrounded by darkness. American Cousin } on the other hand...well, I don't want to spoil it for you, other than } to say the box will have only one occupant, but rest assured the show } ends with a bang. } } (sotto voce: for *you* anyway - that'll teach you to grovel) } } You owe the Oracle some of that honesty for which you're so famous. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Dec 95 18:13:54 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #801-08 Selected-By: bremner@hojpoj.CS.McGill.CA (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, Whose Knowledge Surpasses All Lines of Gender, Race, and > Sexual Orientation... > > I belong to a lesbian group in a small town. We would like to increase > membership and let others know we are out there who might need support. > At the same time, we'd like to be discreet and keep everyone's privacy > intact. We've discussed the idea of business cards, flyers, and ads in > gay/lesbian/bi publications. What do you think would be good ways to > promote the group and keep our confidentiality? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's easy. All you have to do to double your possible membership is let } men join. However, as this is a Lesbian group there may be some slight } teething problems with your new male members (of a different sort to } those experienced by recent female -> male sex changes I should add). } } I don't know if you're familiar with 'self-help' books for heterosexual } females, but they rely on the first principle of dealing with men. 'All } men can be dealt with if you can identify them as one of a small number } of basic types and apply complex and lengthy methods specific to that } type.' } } Ahem, the types of men you are likely to have join your group are: } } (1) The 'One Good Man And They're Cured' Type. AKA Macho Knuckleheads. } } Macho Knuckleheads will immediately be a big problem, and will start } pawing and attempting to 'turn' the female members of your club 'onto' } the supposed 'joys' of true masculinity. Of course, as we all know, any } women experiences overwhelming animal lust on seeing a true man scratch } his armpit through a hole in his shirt. Any woman who can resist that } will of course be bowled over by method number two, scratching the } crotch through a hole in the jeans accompanied by suggestive pelvic } thrusting. } } In the unlikely event of Macho Knuckleheads being the only male members } to join your club, you should arrange the seating plan as follows; } (i) Macho Knuckleheads, (ii) Black Belts, (iii) Brown Belts, and so on. } } Macho Knuckleheads can be noisy, from a variety of orifices, but can be } kept quiet for hours with simple toys such as a piece of paper with } 'please turn over' written on both sides. } } (2) The 'I'm Really Aware Of Lesbian Issues And Feel That Removing The } Sexual Question From Male-Female Relationships Can Lead To True } Friendships That I Can't Experience With Men Or Heterosexual Women'. } AKA Wimps. } } Wimps would like to join a Lesbian club to allow them the image that } they're talking to and relating to real women without the frightening } possibility of actual intimate physical contact, like holding hands. } } Should you only have Wimps attending then simply get your most butch } member to blow in their ears. Scorch marks on the carpet can be removed } with 'Carpet-Shino', but the hole in the front door will be more } difficult to fix. } } Note that some men do actually enjoy real friendships with Lesbian or } otherwise 'unavailable' women, but these men will all be out enjoying } a rich social life or eating dinner with their sister, not trying to } join Lesbian clubs. } } (3) The 'I Don't Know What 'Lesbian' Means, But This Looks Like A Good } Club To Join To Meet Women' type. AKA Boneheads. } } Boneheads should always have their membership details and specifics of } meetings sent through the post in an envelope marked 'child proof } seal'. Fortunately since only single boneheads would bother trying to } meet women, married ones being much too uncreative to consider } adultery, there are unlikely to be any children around to open it for } them. The boneheads will be once again disappointed, but unable to } figure out why. Don't worry about possible divorced Boneheads with } children. Can you *ever* imagine a bonehead winning a custody case? } } (4) The 'I Read About This 'Lesbian' Club On The Internet And Would } Like To Join' type. AKA Geeks. } } These are the easiest type. Simply collect their membership fees and } then tell them that the club meets on #lesbian-club on IRC. Since many } 'Geeks' adopt female identities on the net to try and wheedle 'girls } talk' out of real females (or more commonly other male geeks adopting } female persona) none will notice the lack of real women. On the } contrary they will be overjoyed at the huge numbers of 'women' present } who have no reservations about indulging in 'hot Lesbian sex talk'. } Geeks are a good catch for your group as, unlike most types of men who } might join, they are likely to renew their subscriptions year after } year. Some of your members might occasionally drop in on the group to } correct some of the most basic anatomical inaccuracies. } } (5) 'Princess Diana'. AKA Squidgy. } } Princess Diana isn't a man, though of course there is no shortage of } men who want to be Princess Diana. But, she does have the habit of } turning up everywhere that it is possible to turn up and your club is } likely to be no exception. Her Royal Highness should not be discouraged } due to her incredible experience at dealing with Macho Knuckleheads } such as Will Carling and Major James Hewitt. What's more she might } bring Fergie along, and Fergie knows some *really* good things to do } with toes. Not only that, but Diana, an intelligent and strong woman } (swoon!), has had such incredibly bad treatment from men that she } deserves a woman who will treat her right. } } You Owe The Oracle an extra large roll of cling film. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 09 Jan 96 16:04:02 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #806-02 Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will aol ever lower their rates? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They're rated pretty lowly already by everyone I know :-) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 18 Jan 96 15:13:32 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #809-02 Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does santa deliver all of those toys in such a short amount of > time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, well, well, if it isn't the old how-does-Santa-deliver-all-of- } those-toys-in-such-a-short-amount-of-time question. Every year, regular } as clockwork, this little gem lands in my in-tray. *You* might get your } kicks drooling over the gaily wrapped presents under the Christmas } tree, picking them up and shaking them and trying to figure out what's } in them. Not me! I await the old how-does-Santa-deliver-all-of-those- } toys-in-such-a-short-amount-of-time question with barely restrained, } gleeful anticipation. } } Or, to paraphrase the immortal Bard, a woodchuck question by any other } name is still a pain in the butt. } } Well, what shall I tell 'em this time? The one about time dilation } caused by faster-than-the-speed-of-light reindeer? Or how every time } you walk down the high street at this time of year you notice at least } two dozen Santas, which most people might take as a clue that there is } more than one of the beggars to share the load around? How about, sorry } kid, there ain't no Santa Claus, it was your parents all the time, you } gullible little twonk? } } Nah... Part of my ineffable charm is how I never repeat myself, not } even after three helpings of cauliflower cheese. So what'll it be this } time? How about this: Santa's magic, you see, and he puts us all to } sleep for a whole year while he does the rounds. So when you wake up, } it's still Christmas day, only a year later and nobody ever notices. } } Sorry, that was really pathetic, I know. Only a complete idiot would } believe a story like that. I'm not myself today. I got rather tanked up } at the end-of-semester party Friday night and Marilyn Gillette -- do } you know Marilyn? She's the head of the university's computing } department -- well, anyway, she suggested -- } } What am I saying? Hey, I never told you any of this, right! One word to } Lisa and you're getting ZOTted with extreme prejudice, you hear me? } } Getting back to your question. Well, Santa's magic, you see, and he } puts us all to sleep for a whole year while he does the rounds. So when } you wake up, it's still Christmas day, only a year later and nobody } ever notices. } } You owe the Oracle an original question involving running noses and } smelling feet. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 24 Jan 96 18:15:22 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #811-03 Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oracle, burning bright, > > Who would win in a fight, Cthulhu or Nyarlathotep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neither. They'd both gang up to fight the REAL evil in the world. } Bill Gates. Unfortunately, they both decided to get computers to } organize their assualt, and got ones with Winslows 95 pre-loaded. } Their attack will come sometime around 2053, when OS/2 and Linux will } have sent ol' Billy-bob to an early grave anyway. } } You owe the Oracle Cthulhu's autograph. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 24 Jan 96 18:15:25 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #811-06 Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > Please answer my humble question. > > > >

>

A quick question

> >

> > Oh powerful and mighty Oracle, who's boundless wisdom and charming good > looks are unmatched, who knows the addressess to all of the cool Web > pages, who is the undisputed "Webmaster" of the internet, I beg you to > humor a lowly supplicant like myself and answer my humble question. > > >

> > Do I spend too much time on the World Wide Web? > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Oracle's home page. } } } }

}

The Oracle replies!

}
} }

} } No. } } }

Friends

}
    }
  • God - We go way } back. }
  • Satan - I } taught him everything he knows! }
} }

} Send me mail please! } } } ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 30 Jan 96 08:31:59 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #812-08 Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh fractured gruntbuggly Oracle, whose necturations are to me.... > > ..can you tell me how Jerry Garcia is doing in the afterworld? A lot > of folks down here miss the guy, and I just want to know how he's > doing. Also, when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil, I want > tickets to one of his "afterworld tours." > > Where exactly will Jerry be playing, and how do I go about ensuring I > have tickets when I go? > > Also, I would like to see Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix open for > Garcia, maybe with Keith Moon on drums; or maybe John Bonham from Led > Zep. Anyway, whats the afterworld music scene like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Fractured gruntbuggly"... I like that! Who says the art of grovelling } is dead? } } I must confess, however, that I have not been keeping up with the } venues for Jerry's gigs now that he's joined the choir invisible. But } since you asked so nicely, I'll find out for you. Going up... } } [ZOT] } } Now here's the man to tell us. Archangel Gabriel, how's tricks? } } "Hey! Orrie, my main man! How's it hanging, dude?" } } Same as ever - slightly to the left, you know. Listen, I came to ask } about the music scene. What's going down in paradise? } } "You came to the right man, bro. I'm just now putting together } tomorrow night's show. It's a screamer - it'll blow the top of your } head clear off. Top of the bill are Deanna Durbin and Nelson Eddy." } } That's a bit, um, what's a polite word for it... sedate, isn't it? } Don't you have anything lined up with a funkier beat? } } "Next year we're expecting Julie Andrews to croak. How's 'Climb } Every Mountain' grab ya?" } } By the throat, mainly. How about electronic music? } } "Oh, you mean rock, soul, punk, rap, that kind of thing? Hey, that's } the devil's music. The boss don't hold with that scene. Total } sputum, I know, but that's how it is." } } So no Jim Morrison, Keith Moon, Jerry Garcia? Ever? Throughout all } eternity? } } "You're hoaxing me, right? Drug overdoses and suicides? Here???" } } I thought you might make a special case... } } "Chill out, babe! And what about the audience? It's immoral and } illegal to attend a 'Dead concert unstoned, you know that. And you } know how the boss feels about drugs. El bummer grande, but that's } how it is." } } I guess so... So it's the other place I want if I'm looking for some } real entertainment, eh? } } "Hey, it ain't that bad. You wanna stick around here a while - } things'll really be hotting up once the Osmonds start popping their } clogs." } } I can hardly wait. Unfortunately, urgent business calls me elsewhere. } Going down... } } [ZOT] } } Whew! I'm always finding unexpected side-benefits to immortality. } Right, unbearable heat, sulfurous fumes, screams of agony - this sounds } more promising. } } "Tickets, please." } } Ah, Mephistopheles, just the person I need. Tickets, you say? Is there } a concert about to start? } } "You don't get in without a ticket, sonny." } } That's okay - I just want to know who's playing. } } "Oh, right. Well, Karl Maria von Weber is opening for Brandenburg } Brain Death. You know them? It's a great lineup - Wolfie Mozart on } lead, Fred Handel on bass, Joe Bach on keyboard and Louie 'Eh What's } That You Say?' Van B on drums." } } But they're all classical composers! Where's the *real* dead rockers? } Where's Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain? } } "Truth to tell, most of them didn't want to keep it up once they'd } been here a while. Unremitting torment does that to people. Jimi now } presses flowers. Janis Joplin takes aerobics classes. Keith Moon } just sits in a corner and says 'Wibble' every once in a while." } } And Jerry Garcia? Don't tell me *he* lost the rhythm. } } "Jerry *dead*!?! When did it happen? Why wasn't I *told*?" } } What! You mean he's not here? } } "No way, man! I'd have *known*!" } } Curiouser and curiouser. Going up... } } [ZOT] } } Well, supplicant - this is quite baffling, and not a little disturbing. } You see, if Jerry's not in heaven and he's not in hell, there's only } one other place he can be. Yes, it looks like Jerry Garcia's now one of } the hateful undead. } } You owe the Oracle absolution for his worst joke of the year so far. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Feb 96 00:10:25 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #817-03 Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Say, buddy... Yeah, you, the all-powerful, all-knowing, so-full-of- > knowledge-one-would-think-you-were-obese... I have a question. It's > simple, really, so you should have no trouble just tossing an answer my > way. > > Why's my CD player wigging out this morning? It keeps stopping at > random intervals. I hate when that happens. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The FDA (Federal Department of Acoustics) has designed a "music } pyramid" to help ensure that your CD player is getting a well-balanced } diet. The diagram looks like this: } /\ } / \ } /pop \ } / rap \ } /hip-hop \ } /folk,metal\ } /____________\ } / Reggae, ska \ } / classic rock \ } /__________________\ } / oldies | Jazz \ } / classical | blues \ } /____________|___________\ } } Your CD player's diet should consist primarily of music from the lower } two areas. Music from the middle area should be played less frequently, } and music from the top area should be played rarely. } } To restore your CD player's health, cut down on music from the top } area. Remember: an ounce of the Mothers of Invention is worth a pound } of the Cure. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great solver of conundrums, what do the following have in common: > > John Belushi, whipped cream and Windoze 95 > > I eagerly await your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } John Belushi Whipped Cream Windoze 95 } ------------ ------------- ---------- } Too Fat Too Fattening Too Fatheaded } Comedy Genius Comedy Potential Big Joke } Took Drugs Acts like a drug Designed by people } on medication } Used by Hollywood Used by cooks Used by idiots } } You owe the Oracle a pair of shades, a full tank of gas and half a } packet of cigarettes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 15 Mar 96 10:18:59 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #822-04 Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo Oracle! > > Vinnie the Squid was visiting with the Padrone yesterday with > what appeared to be a terrible problem: he can no longer make > the nut on his payoffs. I wasn't in the room, but the word > on the street is that Vinnie was in a very bad way. The Padrone, > seeing as Vinnie is married to his wife's cousin and the fact > that Vinnie is a made man, was naturally very concerned for > Vinnie. > > Now usually, a bookie can't make the nut, he's been giving bad > odds or skimming too much and spending it on booze or drugs or, > heaven forbid, he's got troubles collecting on his debts. These > things happen sometimes and we know how to handle them. A few > boys pay a call, and debts get paid. Likewise, if it's booze > or drugs, the same boys pay a different kind of visit. Anyway, > Vinnie's been bookmaking for something like 17 years and never > had these kind of problems. Like I said, he's a made man and > very respectful to the Padrone and the family. > > So naturally, the Padrone can't understand what the problem is. > Well, it takes a while for the story to come out, but apparently > Vinnie's been on the Internet of all things and is trying to > expand his business. It all looks good for a couple of months until > he starts getting the most amazing bets made by some guy called > Orrie. 100 to 1 odds. 500 to 1 odds. Simply amazing bets. > > But you know, this Orrie guy, he knows his stuff. He always wins. > And poor Vinnie, he tries to keep up with it for a while but he > figures the guy's on a streak and he takes one last bet to try to > catch up for all the payoff's he's been making. > > Well, you know the rest of the story. At any rate, it turns out > the Padrone's connected, right? He's HEARD of this Orrie guy. It > turns out he goes way back. He had some kind of scam going on in Italy > a while back. Get this: the guy's omniscient. He KNOWS how the bets > are gonna turn out BEFORE they happen. > > So, the Padrone, on the account of Vinnie being married to family > and all, takes on the debt. Vinnie owes him a small favor but that's > another story. The Padrone calls me into his office, explains the > situation, and asks me personally to come talk to you. > > What it comes down to is that the Padrone would like you to forget > about the money. It's a family thing. You do this favor for the > Padrone and some day the Padrone does a favor for you. I'm sure > an omniscient guy like you can understand. > > Whaddaya say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In fact, The Oracle was performing a service for his friend the } Padrone, by showing him that this gnocchi-for-brains Vinnie the Squid } should not be allowed to make book, 'cause he was too soft on the } suckers. If Vinnie had had the ounce of sense that Dio gave to a } pesce, Vinnie would have tried to muscle up this "Orrie" for his } system. (Of course it would'nt have worked, but you see my point.) } Tell Mr. Graciella, uh, I mean "Mr. Smith" that the debt is forgiven, } with no harm done. (Besides, The Oracle has plenty of money for the } moment, been having some fun with selling short calls on the options } exchange, you should see the SEC squirm!) } } You owe the Oracle nothing, just take your horse's head and leave. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 15 Mar 96 10:19:04 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #822-07 Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I SAID, "THAT'S NOT WHERE THE SUPPOSITORY GOES". ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 20 Mar 96 11:46:33 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #823-01 Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have 2 dollars, 3 boxes of macaroni and cheese, and 5 cans of beer. > This must last me 2 full weeks. How will I survive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > I } } You have 2 dollars, 3 boxes of macaroni and cheese, and 5 cans of beer. } } > LOOK AT CALENDAR } } Your calendar reminds you that it is two full weeks until you are next } paid. } } > BUY LOTTERY TICKET } } You run down to the lottery office, and purchase a ticket. This has } cost you two dollars. Looking closely at the ticket, the fine print } tells you that the lottery will be drawn in exactly two weeks time. } } > TRY AGAIN } } Sorry, I don't know how to TRY. } } > RESTART } } You scored 0 points out of a possible 100. } *** } } You have 2 dollars, 3 boxes of macaroni and cheese, and 5 cans of beer. } Your calendar reminds you that it is two full weeks until you are next } paid. } } > GO TO CASINO } } You catch a cab to the casino. } The taxi fare is $2.00 } } > RESTART } } You scored 0 points out of a possible 100. } *** } } You have 2 dollars, 3 boxes of macaroni and cheese, and 5 cans of beer. } Your calendar reminds you that it is two full weeks until you are next } paid. } } > LOOK } } You see a room. Possible exits are East - to a very high cliff. } } > JUMP OFF CLIFF } } I don't see any 'cliff' here. } } > EAST } } You walk east. On the way a Pizza Hut delivery van swerves to miss an } old lady walking on the road. It crashes into a telegraph pole at } speed. The back door of the van flings open and 14 pizzas fly out the } back, and land neatly in a stack at your feet. The van driver, } miraculously uninjured, runs away to get help. You are feeling hungry. } } Thank you for playing. You have scored 100 points out of a possible } 100. } } > HOORAY!! } } Sorry, your only options at this point are Restart, Quit, or Load. } } You owe the Oracle a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 20 Mar 96 11:46:34 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #823-02 Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who can I contact (e-mail preferably or snail mail) who can attest > to the degree of recovery (motility and strength) of the knee after > anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) replacement surgery (arthroscopic > surgery usually performed because of athletic injuries)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tonya Harding. } } You owe the Oracle someone kneedy. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 20 Mar 96 11:46:35 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #823-03 Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what are little boys made of?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } in that the animal rights movement has protested the use of puppy dogs } tails and snips have been found to be carcinogenic, boys are now 94% } snail, 6 % polyester. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 20 Mar 96 11:46:38 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #823-05 Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 1. P-K4 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On a midnight, dark and dreary, as I pondered weak and weary, } Over many quaint and curious questions asked the night before. } As I nodded, nearly sleeping, from my terminal I heard a beeping } Consciousness upon me creeping--something I couldn't just ignore. } "'Tis a suplicant," I muttered, "mailing me and nothing more." } These endless questions are such a bore. } } Ah, how well I remember it was in bleak September, } When each and every University let in Freshmen by the score. } I wished for a month anew, when the users would have a clue, } But there's nothing I can do--To answer their questions I'd swore. } To this cursed and boring job of answering questions I had swore-- } How could I know what lay in store? } } I took a peek at the screen, and saw what I'd foreseen. } Surely there is nothing that can surprise me anymore. } I take a breath, and exhale. The screen now reads, "You have new mail." } Always this without fail--I hit a key to see more } So I could once again return to sleep, therefore, } I hurried to finish this stupid chore. } } The message filled me with a sense of dread, "P-K4" is all it said! } Stupid questions like this I had received before. } This question was quite lame, He thinks this is all a game. } They are all just the same, It is all such a bore. } "'Tis some clueless suplicant who I can safely ignore. } 'Tis this and nothing more." } } As I settled back to sleep, yet again I heard a beep! } Indeed, it was the same question I got before! } I was now quite perturbed, this suplicant was quite disturbed, } His actions must be curbed, before he sends any more! } I now felt an anger that permeated my very core. } Indeed, I was now quite sore. } } I felt a need to punish someone, so the suplicant I did summon. } And appeared a stately woodchuck, whose name I do deplore. } There before me was where he stood, I screamed as loud as I could. } In defiance he chucked some wood--Wood that used to be my chamber door. } Quickly I dodged aside and was missed narrowly by my chamber door. } Quoth the woodchuck, "P-K4." } } "Marmot!" said I, "thing of evil!--Marmot still if not a devil!-- } Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore, } Leave now and leave no token of that which you have spoken! } Leave my belongings unbroken, you who would bust up my chamber door! } Take thyself from my room, and take thy form from off my door!" } Quoth the woodchuck, "P-K4." } } And the woodchuck, never quitting, still is sitting, still is sitting } On the piece of wood that used to be my chamber door. } And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming, } And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor. } And so depressed I was, knowing that I shall nevermore } Know the meaning of "P-K4!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 20 Mar 96 11:46:39 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #823-06 Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Would you give me some reasons why "Internet Oracle" is better than > "Usenet Oracle"? I am having problems reconciling the new name. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh hullo, supplicant. Zadoc the Priest here. I'm afraid our } Cyberpresent Master can't come to the console just now, so you'll have } to make do with me if that's all right. } } This matter of the correct terminology for addressing our Master has } turned into a major controversy here within the Church of the Usenet } Oracle , or should I say Church of the Internet Oracle (either } way, all holy writings are subject to copyright). Even the debates over } how many woodchucks could be made to dance on the head of a pin and } whether Miss Lisa, the Divine Adoratrice, has her virginity magically } restored each day were as nothing compared to this. } } It all started, as you probably know, with Saint Steve retiring to the } wilderness and hearing the voice of our Master in a vision (can you } hear visions? Oh well, you know what I mean). Others say our Master } just phoned him up one night last week and said he fancied a change of } name. Anyway, when Saint Steve announced the monumental event to a } gathering of the faithful, a faction within the priesthood, backed by } conservative Bible-belt supplicants, claimed that any change to the } scripture was blasphemous, as it implied that our Toticognizant Master } can't have been omniscient when he chose the previous name if it was } now necessary to change it. Feelings ran high and some pretty } intemperate words were exchanged. Darkmage declared that if this change } was pushed through, he would secede and set up a separate, vowel-free } Oracle in Poland. Saint Steve had him arrested for doctrinal and } political incorrectness. } } Stenor now announced that, after all the trouble he had setting up the } Usenet Oracle Resource Index on the Web, he was damned if he was going } to change the name now. He fled the meeting and barricaded himself and } a number of followers up at PC-Net to fight off any attempts to gain } control of the Web site. The Venerable Ray Moody, David Sewell and } others lead an attack on the place, and retook it after bitter } fighting. Meanwhile, I've been detailed to man this station to prevent } any attempt by heterodox factions at gaining control here. It's all } very harrowing. I mean, how can you tell who's on your side and who } isn't? } } Where's our Master during all of this, you're probably asking. Well, he } emerged from his meditations with Miss Lisa, the Divine Adoratrice, } briefly this morning, said "Now we'll see who the true believers are" } and disappeared again. He hasn't been seen since this enigmatic } utterance. It's very unnerving when he tests our faith in this way, but } we must do our best to be true to our consciences, is what I say. } } So, as you've probably gathered, I've thrown in my lot with Saint Steve } and the Progressive faction, which comprises the majority of the } priesthood. I find the suggestion that our Master's powers should be } confined to just one small segment of The Net somehow demeaning and } smacking of heresy. Okay, so "Internet Oracle" is a bit less euphonious } than "Usenet Oracle". By the same token, "Jehovah" is a bit less } euphonious than "Gary", but that's no reason to use the latter, is it? } } So, in honor of the new orthodoxy, I have been devising a prayer while } I sit here clutching my automatic rifle and hoping I won't have to use } it before this schism is healed. It goes like this (you can join in if } you like): } } Our Oracle } That art in Cyberspace } Emailed be thy name. } Thy news be read } On IRC as it is in gophers. } Give us our daily FTP downloads } And forgive us our archie and Veronica accesses. } For thine is the HTML, } The TCP and the IP } For ever and ever, } Web without end. } Amen. } } You owe the Oracle your blind, unquestioning devotion. As do we all. } Amen. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 20 Mar 96 11:46:40 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #823-07 Selected-By: <@ig4.att.att.com:m.scott.forbes@lucent.com> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, I see your idiot management has finally gotten around to } downsizing you out of existence. Poor Supplicant. Time to start } looking for work elsewhere. } } One of the hardest things about being a professional geek is } determining what a new workplace will be like BEFORE committing. } Everybody is polite and upbeat during the job interview-- nobody ever } says, "Well, actually, this is a terrible place to work." So how do } you avoid the woofers? } } Here are some things to keep in mind: } } Compute the DILBERT COEFFICIENT: the fraction of all wall postings } that are Scott Adams cartoons. The closely related DILBERT DENSITY is } simply the average number of Scott Adams cartoons posted per square } meter. } } Many companies have an undefined Dilbert coefficient, as the employees } are not allowed to post ANYTHING where they work. Avoid contact with } these companies, as their employees have a regrettable tendency to } come to work with a sack of "curtain rods" and blaze their way onto } the front page. } } Companies with a high Dilbert coefficient are a little better-- the } company is bureaucratic and inflexible, but at least people haven't } lost their sense of humor about it. Watch for repeated strips-- if } two cubes in close proximity have the SAME CARTOON posted in each, } examine it closely. (The Sunday strip about the new engineer hanging } herself is posted in at least three places on my incarnations' floor.) } } The only places I have ever seen low Dilbert coefficients are } laboratories and schools, and that's only because their LARSON } COEFFICIENTS are so damn high. } } If proximity to hot marketing babes is a factor in your decision (not } that it should be, unless you're the sort of weirdo who hangs out in } those Times Square operations where there's a thick sheet of } bulletproof glass between you and a naked woman,) beware the CATHY } COEFFICIENT. } } If your potential boss has a nonzero TIRED XEROXLORE DATING BACK TO } THE 50s COEFFICIENT then run, not walk, to the nearest exit. Ditto } for the PEANUTS COEFFICIENT. The JOHNNY HART COEFFICIENT is a little } harder to interpret-- in general, B.C. and The Wizard of Id are good } signs only if you enjoy playing golf. I have only heard urban legends } about the FAMILY CIRCUS COEFFICIENT and they all end in axe murders. } The ZIPPY COEFFICIENT and TOM TOMORROW COEFFICIENT indicate a company } in serious trouble-- short their stock. } } Advertisements for the company's competitors are usually a good sign-- } especially if they're snide. Adverts for the company itself imply the } bosses enjoy egregious butt-kissing, and like to leave their office } doors open when they're making some poor marketer go down on them. } } Adverts for vendors (I.E. the SGI dinosaur poster in a software } company) are good news if there are any signs that the company uses } the vendor's products. (An SGI dino poster in the cube of a man with } a vt100 on his desk is one of the saddest sights in the world. I } usually give 'em a few quarters and maybe some old clothes.) } } Watch desks for the GREATEST DAD IN THE WORLD MUG COEFFICIENT, which } indicates how many old, pathetic losers you'll have to work with. You } do want a high PROMOTIONAL MUG COEFFICIENT, because that means you'll } also gets lots of T-shirts and do trade show junket runs. The OPEN } MANUALS COEFFICIENT isn't all that useful-- if it's low, it may just } be that people are too stupid to understand the documentation, and if } it's high, it could be that everybody has to use really bad products. } A high ENGRAVED LUCITE BLOCK GIVEN IN LIEU OF A PROMOTION OR RAISE } COEFFICIENT means that you should stay away unless you plan to retire } in a few years anyway. WIRED COEFFICIENT good, MONDO 2000 COEFFICIENT } bad. Finally, unless you have a hell of a lot more fun talking about } asynchronous transcript allocation bandwidth modulation than I do, } flee the measurable STAR TREK MOUSE PAD COEFFICIENT. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 20 Mar 96 11:46:44 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #823-10 Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wise and glorious Oracle, who knows all sorts of groovy > stuff, > > What's the current line up of net.gods in net.olympus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You want to know *ALL* of them? This would have been an easy question } to answer before deregulation, but nowadays . . . well, what say we } compromise, and I'll just list for you all the net.gods that you're } likely to run into: } } Alt } God of anarchy, also of phone sex lines. Feared by many mortals, but } protection from Alt is available in the form of a rare amulet bearing } the mystic inscription, "rmgroup". } } Abort, Retry, Fail, and Ignore. } The four heads of a fierce, dragonlike creature that flies through } air and circuitry with equal ease. Dines solely upon magnetic media. } } Aoleus } Beware this god of things that blow. Succumb not to the temptation } of ten free hours of his tepid breeze. } } Csh, Tcsh, and Bash } These Czech triplets are the gods of sofas, couches, and davenports, } respectively. Csh and Tcsh eat dinner at 6pm, while Bash eats dinner } at noon on Sunday. } } Kermes (Latin name: Kermit) } Messenger of the gods. This is why the net is in the shape it's in } today. } } Lisa } Trust me, she's a goddess. } } Protectio Faultus } God of shoddy craftsmanship. Received the honorary rank of General, } but no one knows why. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Jun 96 08:33:10 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #836-01 Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Psychologically Stable Oracle, please help me out. This morning I > was happily getting ready to go to school, when my wife screamed, > "AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! There's a dead Beatle on the kitchen floor!" > > Now, naturally, I assumed she was talking about John (he being the only > dead one so far), so I went running. When I got there, not only was > John's decomposing body NOT on our kitchen floor, but she was pointing > at some squished bug and begging me to get rid of it, apparently having > forgotten all about John. Is my wife losing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have no fear, she is not losing it. That "squashed bug" was in } fact one of the many reincarnations of John Lennon since his } unfortunate demise. Being such a talented individual, he has made } his mark in many forms of life. And no, I don't just mean the mark } on your kitchen floor. Fellow insects regarded this particular } Beatle with great respect, since it composed some of the highest } forms of insect music ever chirped. Among the lyrics of this fine } beatle were: } } "Yesterday, it was so easy to fly away, now they closed } the window woe is me, they'll open it again one day?" } } "We all live in the yellow wallpaper, } just underneath that bit, } where it's peeled away." } } "She's got a cricket to crawl, and she's ok." } } "Strawberry picnics, this is unreal, } something to get stuck about, strawberry picnics forever." } } "Roll up! Roll up - means the swatter's here!" } } Alas it never got to write classics such as "Jealous Fly" because } your wife stepped on it. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Jun 96 08:33:11 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #836-02 Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > echo "I'm a tiny tiny thing" > echo "Ever flying in the spring" > echo "Round and round a ringaring." > echo "Long ago I was a king" > echo "Now I do this kind of thing. " > echo "On the wing, on the wing! " > echo "Bing! " > echo " Joyce " And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm glad that I will never see } A UNIX style of poetry } The #includes that I attach } Checking that my '"'s match } The cryptic text of all my betters } With titles formed from just two letters } But run "vi", give it a bash } 50 words, and then a ... } } /usr/games/Joyce: segmentation violation (core dumped) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Jun 96 08:33:12 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #836-03 Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, > > When are you and Lisa going to settle down and have a slew of > little Orrie's and Lisa's? > > Your Humble Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's all I need - teenagers who really do know everything. } } You owe the Oracle some deity-proof birth control. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 03 Jun 96 08:33:13 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #836-04 Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle, to whom I cannot begin to grovel > properly: > > Many a time in your words to us, I see questions which > #include > Now this may be fine for an all knowing being such as yourself, but > those of use who are but slime underneath your toenails, we are not > gifted enough to fathom this great library of grovels. Will you > spare a worthless spitball such as myself the grace of knowing what is > in this file? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This mystical file (which only exists on certain machine } configurations) is used to assist in replying more efficiently to the } numerous requests received. The full scope of such texts is not for } the eyes of mere supplicants such as thyself, but you have persuaded me } to enlighten you to a small portion of it...behold! } } /********** } - standard include file for Oracle inquiries } Version 0.2a } **********/ } } #include } #include } #include "dry_witticisms.h" } } #ifndef ASLEEP } } #ifdef WOODCHUCK } #define ZOT } #endif } } #ifdef CLUELESS } #define EXTRA_SARCASM } #endif } } /* Is the supplicant truly worthy of a response? */ } #ifdef SUFFICIENTLY_GROVELLING } } #define RESPOND mail oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } int generate_response(char *); } char * generate_clever_payment(char *); } } #endif } } #endif } } You owe the Oracle a new and improved preprocessor. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 May 96 08:26:35 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #833-03 Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey everyone! > > Let's find out what happens when NOBODY answers this question. Don't > reply to it -- just ignore it. The Oracle will send it to someone else > after a day or so (according to the FAQ), and that person shouldn't > reply either. If I don't get a reply by October, I'll post the results > in rec.humor.oracle.d. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well well, a pyramid scheme with a theoretical maximum growth } coefficient of 1 and a promised reward of a Usenet posting sometime in } October. This shouldn't last too long. } } You should do your homework before posting a message like this. Try } something along the following lines: } } $PAM THE NET FA$T!!!1!!! } } Hi, my name is Angela Nasty Xenomorph-Bitch. Six months ago I was } down on my luck, I hadn't made it into the digest for weeks, I was } getting nothing but woodchuck and null questions to answer, and the } replies I received all quoted the question back at me. Moreover, my } ISP was hounding me for unpaid bills. } } So I put a shotgun in my mouth and was just about to pull the trigger, } when I received a letter in the mail saying I could get ripped off by } sending a few duplicates of it to my friends and some money to the guy } whose name was on top of a list. I was just about to toss it in the } paper bin when I thought, perhaps there's something there! So I } edited the text a little and emailed a copy to postmaster on every } machine I could do reverse IP lookup on. } } The results went beyond my wildest dreams. The following morning, I } had fourty thousand messages in my mailbox, and by lunchtime my } account had been removed. } } Now, I never have to worry about making the Digest again. Whenever I } need attention, I just fire off another volley of spam and get my } account pulled. It works every time! } } The reason it works is because everyone follows the rules exactly. } Here are some examples of people who didn't: } } Arthur T. Wombat of Wiretap, IL, ignored this message, and five days } later, the Feds busted down his door and arrested him for distributing } child porn. } } Eunice Roach of Lubricant, MA, tore up this message. She was found } brutally murdered the next weekend. } } Clarence S. Bugger of Rimmer, WI, ignored this message, and became the } victim of a hit-and-run accident. } } Jonathan Ratface-Octagon of Double Penetration, OH, threw this message } away and was killed by an unidentified mugger. } } Mrs. Large Object of Fort Crag, FL, didn't open this message; a body } in the desert has been tentatively identified as hers. } } And they still haven't found the bodies of William Pit of Blast } Radius, Christian Undies-Carrot of Heave, Glamorgan Nexus-Six of Power } Ranger, Lorna Hippopotamus of Barbiturate, and Enid Communist of } Beauty, to mention a few. } } So get working. } } Angela Nasty Xenomorph-Bitch } } PS. There is also a success story: Sean Connery got this message and } followed the instructions exactly, which is good because I love him } and would hate for anything nasty to happen to him. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 May 96 08:26:37 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #833-04 Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Logically complete Oracle, > > Who was the world's greatest Philosopher? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only Zeno approached, but never acheived greatness... ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 May 96 08:26:38 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #833-05 Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Power of the Universe whom elnightenes those whom call > thee ORAACLE, whom sall be remembered in history as the master of > information, whom will eventually time of such lowly groveling, > pleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopl > easeopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseoplease.... > Why do all women think they are fat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A worthy (if garbled) question, oh frustrated supplicant. } } You've heard of the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." } Well, what *else* do we associate Venus with? The greenhouse effect. } And who *else* lives in a green house? Mr. Morey Schickelgruber of } Cleveland, Ohio, that's who. But this is not his story ... } } It is the story of Morey's great uncle, Hans Schickelgruber, and of a } Nazi experiment gone horribly awry. Hans was a scientist working for } Germany during World War II, and late in the war he developed what can } best be described as a mind control machine. It could take a single } thought of its operator and project it to a target population, who } would then become obsessed with it. When Hitler heard of the machine, } he wanted Hans to broadcast a thought like "I want to shoot everyone in } my platoon" to the advancing Allied armies. But Hans could not bring } himself to do something so cruel. He had been reading Aristophanes, so } instead he decided to broadcast "I will not have sex with any man until } we surrender the war" to all the women in the U.S. (the machine could } be set to target one gender). The impact this would have had on history } (not to mention the birthrate in early 1946) would have been } staggering, but it was not to be. } } On the night of April 1, 1945, while Hans was preparing to send his } message, the Allies staged a bombing raid on the city where he worked. } As the rubble of his laboratory crashed down around him, he desparately } activated the device. Unfortunately, in his dying moments, Hans's eyes } fell upon a picture of his wife, Helga. And Helga Schickelgruber was, } to put it mildly, a real porker. He could not help but think, "My God, } what a fat, ugly woman." And that thought was broadcast to the women } of America, who took it to heart and have passed it down by example to } all their female descendants. Much to the dismay of we men who get } tired of hearing it, but much to the benefit of the diet soda industry. } } You owe the Oracle some fat-free Ambrosia to serve to Lisa. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 May 96 08:26:42 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #833-08 Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > My roommate and I are trying to decide which is the > absolute worst spectator sport. I think it's golf; > he says bowling. Which one of us is right, or is > there something even worse that neither of us has > thought of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you ever watched professional zazen? ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 11 May 96 08:26:44 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #833-10 Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > could you please explain Visual Basic to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Awright, recruits! Line UP! You're here for Visual Basic Training, } y'hear! } } What a sorry mess o'meat we have here. It's a shame, a real shame. } } Corp'r'l, look at this. Do you see what they're sending us these days, } tryin' to pass for geeks? } } Listen UP! You're here at Camp Turing for Visual Basic Training. When } you signed up, you thought you were going to be spending time playing } DOOM and finding the secret way to cheat at Minehunt, didn't you? Well, } it's not going to be that way. You're here for two things: Coding your } butt off, and hacking 'til your ears bleed. For the next six weeks, I'm } gonna be your worst nightmare, kicking you around the compound, } treating you like a library routine without documentation. } } You! Yes, you there. What's your name. Speak UP! Reinhart, huh? What do } you call this, Reinhart? It looks like one of them America On-Line } install diskettes. Is that what it is? I said, is THAT what it IS, } geek? Do you keep an America On-Line install disk in your pocket at } Camp Turing? Awright, geek, drop down and give me fifty lines of } algorithm for sorting a telephone-number database. } } Hey, you! Are you sniffling, geek? I can't HEAR you! Where you from? } You know, there's never been a good hack that comes out of } Californ-ee-AY, not since Woz retired. Do you know what we get from } Californ-ee-AY these days, son? I can't HEAR you! We get nothin' but } viruses. You a virus, boy? Are you callin' me a liar? You a virus, } boy? You know what we do with viruses in the camp? We put 'em through } the Turing Machine. That's it, right over there. You don't want that, } do you boy? All right... Run around the Turing Machine three times, } then come back and wire up a help system using a touch screen out of a } TRS-80 and a ball of twine. What are you standing here for? Go, go, go! } } Awright. Any of the rest of you pathetic losers have a Geek Code? Speak } up. Anybody? You? You got a Geek Code? Well, let's see it. Whup it out; } let's see if you've got what it takes to be a geek. Haw! You call that } a Geek Code? You don't even have the o+ in the right order. Do you } think you could remove a unix file named -rf, boy? Could you? What } command would you use? You ain't much of a geek, are you? Say it. Say } "I'm no geek SIR!" I can't HEAR you! Get out there and port Linux to } the HP-48gx. Go! } } Okay. The rest of you, hook up these generators to the stationary } bicycles and pedal like hell. The Lieutenant needs to take his laptop } out into the field in another six hours, and the batteries are totally } drained. } } You owe the Oracle an honorable discharge. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 18 May 96 08:20:03 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #834-05 Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > % man Lisa And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LISA(1) LISA(1) } } NAME } lisa } } SYNOPSIS } lisa [ -afgt ] } } DESCRIPTION } Performs any or all of Lisa's duties and services of which you } may be in need. } } OPTIONS } -a --answer Oracularities } Answers incoming Oracularities for you. (Use Ctrl-Z to } override program and *ZOT* supplicant.) } } -f --flirt mode } Flirts in typical Lisa style by printing (to stdout) one } of the following phrases: } } "Orrie! Come to bed!" } "Mmmm, smother me with hot fudge and lick it off!" } "Turn off that silly computer and turn me on instead!" } "Orrie, do you think my breasts are too large?" } "You sexy omniscient thing you!" } } -g --groom } Grooms self (preens when finished). } } -t --tease } Teases supplicants with one of the following phrases: } } "Oh, you're such a nerd! Get a life!" } "Sorry, Orrie can't come to the computer right now! :-)" } "You'd like a GIF of me naked? In your dreams!" } "When I'm with Orrie, I'm really thinking of you." } } SEE ALSO } woodchuck, zot } } BUGS } The --tease option should not be used on anyone from the .edu } domain, otherwise you may be in violation of the Communications } Decency Act. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 18 May 96 08:20:07 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #834-08 Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most perspicacious, what are the top 10 signs that computer > science has taken over one's life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. You talk to your computer as though it were another person. } 2. You consider internet sex better than the real thing. } 3. You write more than ten replies to the oracle on any given day. } 4. You leave your house, and after a minute's worth of squinting at } the sunlight which you haven't seen in ages, you feel like going back } inside and using your computer again. } 5. The only thing you go out for is to buy floppy disks or to attend } weekly Star Trek fan club meetings. } 6. You have a nervous breakdown when your computer isn't working } properly ( if you have Windows, then you'll probably commit suicide to } save from the suffering!!!). } 7. You get a strange craving for woodchuck stew or spam. } 8. There are telltale indentations made in the keys of your keyboard } from intensive usage. } 9. You refuse to do anything unassociated with computers (i.e. go to } bathroom, sex, eat...) } 10. You are the oracle. } } You owe the oracle a list of the top ten reasons why top ten lists } drive the oracle insane!!! ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 18 May 96 08:20:09 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #834-10 Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wise, magnificent, splendid, too-cool-for-words, > always-in-thright-place-at-the-right-time Oracle: > > What if Data (from Star Trek Next Generation) were Microsoft Windows > compatible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. } } PICARD: On screen. } } [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each } only a single pixel wide.] } } PICARD: Data, what's wrong here? } } DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video } memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select } a lower resolution? } } PICARD: Make it so. } } [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square } pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan } warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space } Invaders.] } } PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans. } } DATA: Aye, sir. } } [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, } and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons } on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of } light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.] } } WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain! } } PICARD: Shields up! } } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before } you issue your next command. } } PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want } those shields up *right now*. } } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before } you issue your next command. } } LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. } } [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the } floor.] } } DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to } cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this } communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any } information sent by the Romulans. } } [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.] } } PICARD: Shields... } } [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all } the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts } from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away } from the console.] } } PICARD: Up, Data! } } DATA: Aye, sir. } } RIKER: All decks, damage report! } } WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be } unconscious. } } [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and } punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the } hourglass back on the floor.] } } DATA: Shields are now up, captain. } } PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead } Romulan ship. } } WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.] } } PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action. } } DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver } installed for that console. } } PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one. } } DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril. } } PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants? } } RIKER: I left them with Geordi. } } LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them! } } PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal } memory? } } DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right } nostril. } } PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1. } } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? } } PICARD: Abort! } } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? } } PICARD: Well, fail, then! } } DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. } } [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship } lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side } of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming } from somewhere else in the ship.] } } LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing? } } PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data? } } RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold } for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person } wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized } in industrial control robots. } } [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all } the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a } few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the } console, absolutely motionless.] } } PICARD: What's going on? } } LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a } General Protection Violation in the warp engine core. } } PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do } anything with them. } } [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in } full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a } Ferengi, appears moments later.] } } FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, } Captain? } } You owe the Oracle a little model of the Enterprise, with an "Intel } Inside" sticker on it. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 May 96 13:35:39 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #835-04 Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most grovellable, how do you get fifteen men on a dead man's > chest? Isn't it a little crowded? (Not to mention that awful crunching > sound as his rib cage collapses....) > > ____ _______ > Unisys Corporation > (at the Fritz Companies, Inc.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Arr, shiver me timbers, Jim lad, but it does a man's heart good } to hear some o' that mainframer talk again. Weren't so long ago } when old Orrie was on the crew of the good ship Sperry. And it } was wild times, and "Big Blue on the starboard bow!" and "Stand } by to repel lusers!" And a better crew you couldn't hope to have, } lad. And in the quiet times, we'd brew coffee, and we'd talk the } yardarm off, about who was the original "Boy-Programmer" whose } exploits were honoured by adding the term as a keyword in the bug } reports database. And the connection between grey zebras and } measuring performance. And whether Harold ever wore anything } different from that green polyester leisure suit. Course it } changed after the Merger, lad. Never trust a captain whose first } order is "Gild the lifeboats!" So that's when we invented the } Mike Blumentahl Secret Decoder Ring. Let's just set it up, Jim } lad, by typing in the secret phrase: } } h o n e y , i s h r u n k t h e c o m p a n y ! } } and see what it tells about your shanty. } } } Fifteen men } ^^^ Executive Vice-Presidents } } on a dead man's } ^^^^^^^^^^ engineer's } } chest } ^^^^^ brainpower } } Yo-ho-ho } ^^^^^^^^ We're in charge now } } and a bottle of rum } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Gold credit cards, expense } accounts, etc. } } Drink } ^^^^^ Ship approaches harbour. Cap'n sends signal "Have } case of beri-beri on board, what should I do query". } Habour-master signals back "Send it to Sperry they } drink anything" } } and the Devil } ^^^^^ Bill Gates, of course } } had done for the rest } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Involuntary } downsizing } } Yo-ho-ho } ^^^^^^^^ We're still in charge. So sue us. } } and a bottle of rum } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Corporate jet, executive } center in south of France, } covered car space near the } door, etc. } } You see that, Jim lad? Even without the Decoder Ring thee was } thinkin' along the right lines. Jus' keep thy eyes blue and thy } nose brown, and you'll go far. } } You owe old Orrie a crutch, a wooden leg, and a parrot that } shrieks "Pieces of seven!" so he can tell the "parroty error" } joke. } } [Sperry was merged into Unisys in 1986; name blanked to protect } supplicant's career. --DS] ------------------------------