The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's dog Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old, Unpleasant Little Dog 1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub - $850/ offer Amana Washer $100. Owned By Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed. Snow Blower For Sale.... Only Used On Snowy Days Free Puppies...Part German Shepherd - Part Dog 2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves: 1 5-Finger, 1 3-Finger, Pair $15 Tickle Me Elmo, Still In Box, Comes With It's Own 1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent Condition $6800 Cows, Calves Never Bred... Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale 83 Toyota Hunchback - $2000 Star Wars Job Of The Hut - $15 Soft & Genital Bath Tissues Or Facial Tissue 89 Cents German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered, Speaks German. Free Full Sized Mattress 30 Yr Warranty Like New. Slight Urine Smell Free 1 Can Of Pork & Beans With Purchase Of 3 BR 2 Bath Home For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50 Nordic Track $300 Hardly Used ************* Call Chubbie ************ Bill's Septic Cleaning "We Haul American Made Products" Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks Found: Dirty White Dog. Looks Like a Rat. Been Out Awhile. Better Be Reward Hummels - Largest Selection Ever "If It's In Stock, We Have It" Get a Little John: The Traveling Urinal Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer. Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club Georgia Peaches California grown 89 cents lb. Nice Parachute - Never Opened - Used Once - Slightly Stained Free Farm Kittens. Ready To Eat. American Flag 60 Stars - Pole Included $100 Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7 - $9 Per Hour Notice: To The Person Or Persons Who Took The Large Pumpkin On Highway 87 Near Southridge Storage. Please Return The Pumpkin And Be Checked. Pumpkin May Be Radioactive. All Other Plants In Vicinity Are Dead Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175 Our Sofa Seats The Whole Mob And It's Made Of 100% Italian Leather Joining Nudist Colony! Must Sell Washer And Dryer $300 Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember Ground Beast: 99 cents lb. Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell. Bar S Sliced Balogna Regular or Tasty Save 30 Cents on 2 Open House Body Shapers Toning Salon Free Coffee And Donuts Kellog's Pot Tarts - $1.99 box Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Man - $2.09 lb For Sale By Owner: Complete Set Of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.