The Lessons I've Learned from Action Movies

No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than
myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him
with my bare hands.

To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so
tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

There are two kinds of women in the world:  The type that want to go to
bed with you, and the type that want to kill you.  Both are physically
attractive and under 25 years old.

If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only won't
he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my
obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will
adore me.

If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will
fall in love with me.

Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator
is a homosexual.  Or at least a sissy.

If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
dies, we will become best friends.

My arch enemies will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to
my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect
for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never
be arrested or be troubled by their widowed wife and children.  When
people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a flesh wound, which
will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

If I'm white, I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy
if I'm black. If I am Latino, the monster/villain will kill me halfway
through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.

If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful
daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

If a king is involved, he will have a a beautiful princess daughter who
will gaze at me adoringly.

If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze
at me adoringly. He will also serve as a chick magnet and help me nab
women who will gaze at me adoringly.

If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game
of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then
try to kill me.

If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible
name like 'Rick' or 'Steve.'

Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask,
"When's the last time you got any sleep?"  They will never ask when I 
last bathed or used the toilet, although I never do those sissy
activities.

No matter how the strenuous the action scene or how much I sweat, when
it's over the beautiful woman will never flinch in my embrace because of
b.o. or bad breath.

If I attempt to kiss a woman and she does not wholeheartedly kiss me
back (or attempts to resist my embrace), all I have to do is kiss her
harder the second time and she will give in.

My gun will never run out of ammunition.  No one will ever see me
peeking around the corner, although we're the only two people in the
warehouse. If I see someone peeking around the corner, I should fire
three shots, even though I know he will duck back behind the corner when
he sees me.  No one is ever injured by ricochet shots. I can see fine in
the dark.

Fire and explosions travel slowly and can be out run by the average man.

My teeth will never break or fall out in a fist fight.