Life Lessons from Melrose Place:

1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week,
sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be
expected to wait around forever.

2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You
should do both, often.

3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to
build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven
large glasses of straight vodka.

4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face,
really hard.

5. Pretend you're pregnant.

6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!

7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't
convenient, fake your own death.

8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.

9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just
kidding!  Dishonesty should be an integral part of any
relationship.

10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide
poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.

11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really
good-looking...or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain
something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date
drug dealers.

12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and
try to choke you.

13. If you get fired, get drunk.

14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."

15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off
your shirt and do it by the pool.

16. Randomly insult the people around you.

17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes
they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a
miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and
heavily sedated.

18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an
even better job at twice the salary.

19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom
liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband
a bunch of times.

20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's
career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.