I read, > Looks like folks are now beginning to credit the development > of UNIX to Kernighan and Ritchie, but I thought the principal > investigators were *Thompson* and Ritchie. Did something change? The differences between Kernighan Ritchie Thompson are real but very subtle. We all look alike (middle aged with scruffy graying beards). Note these distinctions: -- Kernighan is slimmest, Ritchie middlest, Thompson heaviest in body build -- Ritchie got contacts a couple of years ago and so is the only current non-glasses wearer -- Thompson wouldn't touch netnews with a pole, Kernighan secretly gets misc.invest and misc.taxes mailed to him, Ritchie reads it more than is good for him and occasionally contributes -- Ritchie is the only one who has met five people who have appeared on David Letterman (Penn, Teller, Rob Pike, Mayor Koch, and the guy who raised the biggest hog in Ohio) -- Kernighan has written ten times as much readable prose as has Ritchie, Ritchie ten times as much as Thompson. It's tempting to say that the reverse proportions hold for code, but in fact Kernighan and Ritchie are more nearly tied and Thompson wipes us both out. Dennis ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Gallows humor from IBM's Research Division (Allegedly appeared in the "For Sale" columns of a NY state newspaper): FOR SALE: To qualified buyer or wealthy eccentric: Research Division of former multinational company. Hardly used. Guaranteed cure for obscene profits or other bottom line imbalances. $300,000,000 or best offer. Inquire Armonk, N. Y. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Brit and a Scot where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked up. "You know what" said the Irishman, "I just went into that pub over there, ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman said to me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did nothing to me, so I got a free drink!". The Brit like the ideal so much he went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Brit came out and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either. So the Scot decides to try this. He walks into the bar and orders a pint. As he continues to talk to the barman, the barman mentioned the two blokes who walked out without paying. The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing. The barman said "We'll I'm not looking for trouble" The Scot replied, "Well it's getting late, If you give me my change I'll be heading home" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two lions escape from the zoo. They decide that they'd better split up, but agree to meet three months later at a given spot. Three months go by and they meet at the appointed place. One is very skinny and the other appears very robust. The Robust One (TRO): What happened to you? You look terrible! The Skinny One (TSO): When we split up, I went to a nearby village. All I did was to eat one small person, and the villagers got very upset. They started chasing me with guns! I've been on the run ever since and haven't had a thing to eat since then. TRO: That's too bad. TSO: What about you? You seem to be doing well. TRO: Well, I made my way to Digital headquarters in Maynard. I've been eating a manager a week, and nobody seems to notice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two old men are comparing their sex lives: Man 1: I can still do it twice! Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most? Man 1: I think the winter. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car. The computer engineer said, "i think i can fix it." The systems analyst said, "no, i think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it." The programmer said, "ok, but first i think we should get back in and see if it does it again." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- JOHNSON: NO WIDER WAR I don't believe it. I know John Kennedy was a hard act to follow, but this guy is the worst news ever. How on earth did we end up with this ignorant Kallikak anyway? Well, he won't last forever, and there's some comfort in knowing the next president will be better, whoever it is. Because nothing could be worse than having the country run by this bullying, guffawing cowboy. NIXON: I AM NOT A CROOK I don't believe it. Richard Nixon is President. President Nixon. Richard M. Nixon, President of the United States. Saying it's like biting into a lemon. We elected probably the one guy in the whole world that could have made even Johnson look good. Well, at least now we've scraped the absolute bottom. FORD FETCHES MORNING PAPER, DOESN'T STUMBLE I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. Nixon was the pits, but at least he didn't insert "duh" after every third word like President Dumbo. Good lord what's next, Alfred E. Newman in the White House? CARTER SWORN IN AS PRESIDENT Christ, it IS Alfred E. Newman! REAGAN PROMISES ERA OF PROSPERITY Please, God. Please tell me it's not true. Please tell me that a retired B movie actor who once co-starred with a chimpanzee isn't running the country. If anyone had ever told me I'd look back fondly on Jimmy Carter ... BUSH TAKES OATH OF OFFICE How do we do it? How on earth do we do it? I thought nothing could be worse than President Nap-time, but now we've got as his successor a guy with all the sophisticated refinement of Johnson, the commitment to principle of Nixon, the intellectual grasp of Ford, the managerial genius of Carter, and the profound historical and political understanding of Reagan. Well, at least he seems to be too much of a wimp to get us into some idiotic military adventure half way around the world. Thank heaven for small favors ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company." "Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious -- she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." "Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg." "That's pretty steep, " countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?" A. "Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time; "panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three guys are playing basketball at a local outside court and they pause to take a break. Moe: Man, I wish I had a million bucks, I'd buy a car just like that big Caddilac over there. What would you do if you had a million bucks Larry? Larry:If I had a million bucks I'd buy a car just like that Porshe sitting over there. What would you do if you had a million bucks Bobby? Bobby:Gee, I don't know...I guess I'd have surgery to get curly blonde hair all over my body. Moe: Why would you want blonde hair all over your body? Bobby:Well, my sister only has a patch about this big, and she owns both those cars. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- My girlfriend is an animal-rights activist. The other day she saw a woman walk by in a full-length fur coat. She ran up to her and said, "Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?" The woman said right back to her, "Do you know how many animals I had to fuck for this coat?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition. She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The newlywed couple arrives in their sumptous honeymoon suite, and it turns out that they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. "Ok, honey", he says, "this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet, and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then, on the count of three, we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom." The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas, she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad, and as he takes off his clothes he begins to get an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three, they both rush out into the bedroom towards each other. However, since the room is dark, the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife...right into the dresser. He hits his willy against the dresser so *hard* that he passes out from the pain. The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hospital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor "Doc, doc, how bad is it?" to which the doctor replied, "That's nothing, son...wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob yet." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a near death experience. I was driving home one night with my fourth wife and two couples we were friendly with. All of a sudden, the car flips over and we're all standin' at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at one of the couples I was with and says to the man, "You're so cheap, you married a woman named Penny. Go to Hell!" St. Peter then looks at the next couple we were with and says to the man, "Why, you're such a booser, you married a woman named Brandy. Go to Hell!" So I says to my wife, "Come on, Fanny, we're out of here!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- During the period of Stalin's Great Terror in the 1930s, this scenario was frequently heard. "How long are you here for?" the prison guard asked the newly arrived inmate. "Ten Years," the prisoner replied. "What did you do?" asked the guard. "Nothing," came the reply. "That's not possible," said the guard. "For nothing, they give you five years, not ten." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- According to a film my wife saw in her philosophy class, Bertrand Russell received a letter from a woman who proclaimed herself a solipsist. She went on to say that she was surprised that there weren't more solipsists. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mightier Than the Sword Location: Hell. Scene: Napoleon, the Kaiser, and Hitler reminisce. "If I had but a single tank, I would have won at Waterloo," says Napoleon. "A single jet bomber would have made all the difference at Verdun," muses the Kaiser. "All I needed was _Pravda_," says Hitler. "Had I controlled _Pravda_, The Russians would not know to this day that I lost the war..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk by carrying his bag. On a sticker on the bag, in large letters, was the word "CAUTION." Leaning closer, my friend read, "To make the little houses get smaller, pull back on the stick." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems that there was a number of criminals that had been sentenced to be tortured at the hands of the master torturer during the Spanish Inquisition. As the poor souls were shackeled, dangling from the wall, Mr. Torture, who at the time was brandishing a glowing iron, asked the prisoners "Who wants to go first?" "I confess! I confess!" screamed one of the torturees. Whereupon the torturemaster skewered him with the hot iron. Through the pain and the stench of burning flesh, the torturee replied "I see that the early word gets the burn." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few years back, when the Oakland A's were still in Kansas City, my dad took me to a baseball game. I don't remember who the visiting team was but I do remember the pitcher - Melvin Randolph Phamey. Well, anyway, it was the bottom of the ninth, the bases were loaded, and Kansas City was behind by three runs with two outs. Suddenly, a strange little man jumped up in the front row and began to chant. Quickly, people near him joined in and, soon, the entire stadium was thundering with his chant. I guess that the noise got to the opposing pitcher and he walked in a run. The chant continued. Another run was walked in. The opposing manager was at wits end for he had used up his entire bullpen and was forced to go with this pitcher. Another run walked in. The chant continued. Finally, the winning run came in on base on balls. To this very day in Kansas City, the chant that was sung that day is known as, "The cheer that made Mel Famey walk us." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Walter was the president of a large corporation, rich, and generally happy. He lived in a mansion and had many servants. The only flaw in his happiness was his wife, Porphyria. (There's a little bit of foreshadowing for you Robert Browning fans). She drove him crazy. It got so bad that he finally ended up calling his friend Artemus. Artemus was a marriage "fixer," of the genus "lady killer," that is, he was a hit man. Since Walter and Artemus had had a very successful business relationship for many years, Artemus gave Walter a special rate to kill his wife: just one dollar. Artemus was a good man. The next day, Artemus broke into Walter's house and proceeded to strangle his wife. Being adverse to strangulation, Walter's wife proceeded to make as much noise as possible. Alas, it was to no avail. Her maid, hearing the noise, ran into her room and was promptly asphyxiated. The butler also heard the noise, but had the presence of mind to call the police before he proceeded to run into the room and expire. Just then the police arrived and, despite Artemus' adamant statements that he was with the water department, they carted him off to jail. Of course, we all know what the headlines read the next day: "Artie chokes 3 for $1." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple had gotten home quite late after a party. As the wife was getting ready for bed, the husband hurried into the kitchen and returned with a glass of water and two aspirin. After he handed the pills to his spouse, she asked, "What's this?" "Aspirin," he replied. "But I don't have a headache," she shot back. "Aha!" roared the husband with glee. "Gotcha!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, a woman named Amber and her younger brother, Wayne, came to serve their country as spies. During their training, both proved to be intelligent, loyal and industrious, although Amber had an annoying habit of criticizing her brother unceasingly, admonishing him for every improper move. Their first assignment involved undercover work in a chain of elite restaurants, and required insatiable appetites. This was no problem, as brother and sister ate as heartily as they worked, downing one course after another. But all the while Amber continued her tirade at her brother, rebuking his manners, posture and grammar between bites. Their immediate superior reported to the chief with a sigh, "They're dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Wayne!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of his suppliers. This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four days. This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and off for the last couple of months. He decided to go down to the mall. They had this neat little sex shop there were he could buy her some sort of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy. The next day he went there on his lunchbreak. He opens the door and is met immediately by a little chinese man "Hewwo, how may I hep you?". "I'm going out of town next week, and I don't trust my wife by herself. What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesn't find another man?" The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,"Oh! I have perfect cure for woman who be horny!" He goes back through a beaded curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box, grinning from ear to ear. "This exactly what you need." Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed. The little man opens the box and moves over a bit into the light. Hal peers inside, and sees what looks like an ordinary dildo. "What's so special about that, I can get that anywhere" Hal says. The little mans grin gets even bigger "No No silly American, this Voodoo dick" "Voodoo dick. What the hell is Voodoo dick?" Says Hal "You watch closely." replies the little man, and then exclaims "Voodoo dick, the door!" And to Hal's amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and heads for the door. When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left of it. It then returns to the box and floats gently inside. After witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says "I must have it! It's perfect! How much is it?" "Two thousand dollar" says the little man. "Two thousand! That's highway robbery!" says Hal. "OK Mr., if you no want..." "No No, OK, I'll take it" concedes Hal. "Good" says the little man "Will that be cash or Visa?" "Sheesh....." says Hal. Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door. "What's in the box?" asks Vanessa. "Oh nothing" says Hal. "Please tell me. Please please please...." "OK, it's for you, a special present." Hal says, and opens the box. Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo. "Hal! I already have....oops, I mean, gee what is it?" "It's a Voodoo dick! When I'm gone, and you get real horny, just open this box, and say 'Voodoo dick - my pussy.' and you'll be completely satisfied" Hal says. "Hmmm....what will happen?" asks Vanessa "You'll see....you'll see...." Two days later, Hal's on his trip. Vanessa is getting real horny. She thinks, "Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal might be interested...nah I'll try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob." She goes and gets the box, opens it up, and peers inside. She sets the box down, and gets undressed and sits back on the bed. She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for a moment, and draws her hand back out. "Voodoo dick! My pussy!" she says. Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch. It gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth. She lays back on the bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or *felt*. She has one orgasm, two, three, and it's still going. How does she get it to stop? Four...five...Oh gees, shes thinks, I have to get this thing to stop. She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks. "Nah, I'll have to drive to the hospital, they'll know how to stop it." She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while Voodoo dick is still going at her. She's in the car driving down the road, having her sixth, no seventh orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road. She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue. "Oh shit. A damn cop" She pulls over slowly. The cop walks up to the car "Good evening, may I see your liscence, proof of insurance, and registration please?" "S-s-sure officer....it's r-r-r-right h-h-here" She hands it to him. "Have you been drinking tonight lady?" "N-n-n-no I haven't O-o-o-oficer. I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital." "Are you sick? What's the problem?" the cop says. "I have a Voodoo dick in my pussy that won't come out." "A WHAT?" the cop asks again. "A Voodoo dick.....p-p-p-please..." The cop thinks about it for a second. Now he's seen it all, he thinks. He looks at her, and says "VOODOO DICK MY ASS!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees. "A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies. The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees. "A man and a woman making love in a boat." He holds up the third picture. "A man and a woman making love at the beach." This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures. At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex." And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy is strolling down the street when he notices a commotion down on the corner. As he approaches, he sees ambulance attendants putting two bodies into an ambulance, a man with a rather large dog, and a long line of men. He wanders over to the man with the dog and asks him; "What's going on here?" The dog owner says; My dog here just bit my wife and my mother-in-law and they both died. This feller, after thinking quietly for a couple of seconds, says to the dog owner; "Er, do you think I could borrow him for a little while?" Sure, the other guy says, just get in line. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Chan had a thriving import business, especially with wooden trinkets and other assorted junk, until suddenly some of his inventory started disappearing mysteriously at night. The only clue was footsteps left in the dust on the floor that looked to be the shoe size of a young boy. So one night he waited up to catch the thief, but to his surprise he found he was watching a small bear wearing shoes come in and steal his merchandise! He was so astonished as to be practically speechless, but just as the bear was leaving, he shouted out: "STOP, oh boyfoot bear with teak of Chan!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last February we were in LA and happened to catch Frank Gambale at Le Cafe. Frank was trying to introduce the next tune and drummer Tom Brectlein (sp?) was doing the usual "annoying drummer" thing, which was to test his sticks to make sure they were still evoking sounds from the skins. In mid-sentence, Frank breaks off and turns around with a "Will you stop!?" Back to the audience, he says, "Alright, he asked for it. How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?" Blank looks. "The knocking speeds up." Tom, not to take this silently, responded with, "What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? ... Counterpoint." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a man who owned a very beautiful horse. The most noticeable attribute of his horse was its beautiful mane. One day the man noticed a very strange happening; small sparrows were beginning to build their nests in the horse's beautiful mane. Obviously, this disturbed the man very much so he went to the local veterinarian to seek a solution to this problem. The veterinarian suggested that the man wash the horse's mane in yeast mixed with water. The man did as he was told, and sure enough, the sparrows quit their nest building endeavor in the horse's mane. The owner was delighted, to say the least, but he was puzzled as to why the yeast mixture ran the birds away. This bothered him so much, he finally called the veterinarian to find out. The vet told him, "Its very simple. You see, Yeast is Yeast and Nest is Nest, and never the Mane shall Tweet!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From 13 to 18 a woman is like Africa - virgin and unexplored From 19 to 35 she is like Asia - hot and exotic From 36 to 45 she is like America - fully explored and free with her resources From 46 to 55 she is like Europe - exhausted, but still has points of interest From 56 on she is like Australia - everyone knows its down there but no-one gives a damn. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Promises are like penises: they are quick to come, hell to clean up after, painful if broken, and they leave a bitter taste if swallowed." "Simulation is like masturbation. The more you do it, the more you think it's real." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a common computer protocol occured in the Old Testament. This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From 'Operating System Concepts, 3rd Edition' by A. Silbershatz, J. Peterson, and P. Galvin: In the section introducing 'multiprogrammming', the book makes an analogy to try to make things clearer: [..discussion of CPU switching from job to job instead of waiting for I/O to finish on current job...] "This idea is quite common in other life situations. A lawyer does not have only one client at a time. Rather, several clients may be in the process of being served at the same time. While one case is waiting to go to trial or to have papers typed, the lawyer can work on another case. With enough clients, a lawyer never need be idle. (Idle lawyers tend to become politicians, so there is a certain social value in keeping lawyers busy.)" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know what you call a beat-up Ragedy Andy doll lying face down in a pile of rocks? A Dirty Cotton Rock Sucker ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made. For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy." "That's right, honey" her mother said. "But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does Mommy swallow it?" "if Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A traveling salesman's car broke down right in front of a farmer's house so he walked up to ask to use the phone. As he passed through the yard he saw a pig with a wooden leg living in luxury. The farmer allowed him to call and as the saleman was leaving he said "What about that pig in the yard? I noticed he has a wooden leg." The farmer answered "There's a story for you! That is the world's finest pig. One night the house caught fire and this pig jumped through the window and saved my family! And later, I was out plowing when the tractor turned over and pinned me for two hours. This pig came over and dug a hole so I could crawl out!" The salesman was quite impressed as you can imagine. He said "But how did he get a wooden leg?" Replied the farmer "You don't eat a pig like that all at once!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well,you see there was this doctor whose practice allowed him to close up shop every afternoon at 5 o'clock sharp, whereupon his habit was to repair to a nearby bar and order a daiquiri with nutmeg sprinkled on top. Every day, the same routine on the same schedule. Eventually the bar- tender got to watching the clock so he could prepare the daiquiri with nutmeg just slightly ahead of time so he could be in position to slide the just-finished daiquiri across the bar just as the good doc- tor entered the door and sat at the bar. This went on without a hitch for several consecutive weeks. Then, one inevitable day, when he reached the stage of sprinkling on the nutmeg, the poor bartender discovered the nutmeg all gone! The doctor was due to arrive in about twenty seconds, so the bartender thought rapidly and his eye fell upon a small supply of hickory nuts sometimes served as hors d'oevres. He quickly located a grater and abraded enough hickory dust to dress the daiquiri. It looked re- markably like nutmeg. Thus he was able to slide the glass across the bar just as the doctor approached. The doctor took one small sip, grimaced and said as he spat, "Mi-gawd, what kinda drink is that!??" And the bartender said: "That's a hickory daiquiri, doc!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The phone rang in the Army-base motor pool. "What kind of transportation do you have available?" a gruff voice asked. "Just an old jeep that fat-ass General rides around in," came the reply. "Do you know who this is?" "No, I don't." "This is General Reynolds and that is MY jeep, soldier!!" he bellowed. "Do you know who THIS is?" the G.I. asked. "No, I don't," replied the General. "Well then, GOODBYE, fat ass!" said the soldier. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the Forties, two Nevada Indian tribes were engaged in a heated territorial dispute on the U.S. Government's atomic-testing grounds. The respective chiefs were busy exchanging insults and threats by way of smoke signals when there was a thunderous explosion and an enormous cloud rose thousands of feet in the air. One of the chiefs stared silently at the cloud for a long time, then sadly shook his head and muttered, "I wish I had said that." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fellow is in a crowded bar one night and sees this attractive woman at the bar. He goes over and says he wants to buy the lady a drink. The lady says, "Thank you, but don't waste your money, I'm a lesbian." The guy responds, "that's okay, I'm a republican. I'd still like to buy you that drink." The now frustrated lady replys "You don't understand I'm not your type." The eager man is even more instistant that he really likes her. Finally, the exaspirated woman points to a seductitively dressed lady at in a booth and says "You don't understand, I'm a lesbian. I'd like nothing more than to peel the dress of that woman and lick every inch of her body." Now, quite excited, the man reponds "Wow, thats incredible, I must be a lesbian too." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A farmer walks into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "may I help you?" The farmer said "yea, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer replied "yea, I got about a hunnert an forty acres." The attorney said, "no you don't understand. Do you have a case?" The farmer said, "no I ain't got no Case but I got a John Deere." The attorney said, "no you still don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer replied, "Yea I got a grudge, that is where I park my John Deere and my pick-up truck." The attorney said "no, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said "yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." The attorney, struggling to find the reason why the farmer wanted a divorce, asked, "well sir does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer answered "no sir, we both git up about 4:30 in the mornin." The attorney said, "well is she a nagger or something like that?" The farmer answered, "no she ain'a nagger, she's a little white gal but our last young-un was a nagger and that's why I want one of them dayvorces... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry." Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- These two broccoli were hitchhiking down the road one day, when up pulls a farmer and offers them a ride. After discussing where they were headed, the two broccoli climb in and off they go. Down the road a ways, the farmer had to turn off, so he pulled over by the side of the road and let his guests out. As they got out and walked behind the farmer's truck, the farmer leaned over and waved goodbye to them. Unfortunately, in doing so, he accidentally knocked the gearshift into reverse. Well, when the farmer stepped on the gas, the truck lurched backwards and ran over one of the broccoli! Quickly, the farmer and broccoli no. 1 loaded broccoli no. 2 into the truck and sped off to the hospital. After a long wait in the emergency room, the doctor finally came out to speak to the farmer and broccoli no. 1. "I have some good news and some bad news," the doctor said. "The good news is that your friend is going to make it. The bad news is that he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves -- the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kermit has decided not to dabble in the commodities markets any longer? He lost his wad in pork bellies ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between being involved and being commited?? A: It is just like ham and eggs, the chicken is involved and the pig is commited. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A naked lady standing on the street in the combat zone flags down a cab, hops in and says, "Take me to Georgetown." The cabby replies, "Come on lady, what are you going to pay me with? You don't even have a handbag." The lady smiles, opens her legs and points saying, "With this of course." After thinking for a moment, the cabby replies, "Have you got anything smaller?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers? A: Cause they always want to do the job faster than before. And when they do, they say the performance has improved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the following conversation takes place... She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?" He: "That's a morbid question!" She: "No, I really want to know." He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might remarry." She: "Would she live in our house?" He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really expect me to move?" She: "Would she wear my mink coat?" He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want me to sell it for a loss?" She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?" He: "No. Absolutely not. She doesn't know how to drive a stick shift!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy was sitting at a bar enjoying his beer when he felt the call of nature. To ensure that his beer didn't get appropriated by someone else while he was gone, he wrote a note on a napkin "I spat in this beer" and left it with the beer. When he returned from relieving himself, someone else had added "so did I" on his note! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man leaves his umbrella in the umbrella stand with a note, "This umbrella is the property of a world-class boxer, and HE's COMING BACK!" He comes back, and it's gone, with a note: "Your umbrella was stolen by a world-class runner, and HE'S NOT COMING BACK!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cowboy and his horse are plodding along trying to cross the desert, the sun beating down, broiling them in 130 degree heat. The sweat is just pouring off both of them when this guy on a motorcycle comes screaming by at 105 MPH. The guy on the bike sees the cowboy, turns around, and goes back to chat. "Hey, if you get that old nag moving a bit, you'll get some air moving past you, and you'll feel a lot cooler." And the guy roars off down the road. The cowboy decides to give it a try, and prods the horse a bit. Reluctantly, the horse picks up the pace some. "Gee, this does feel a little better." So he prods the horse again, and it begins to gallop. "This does feel good." Pretty soon the cowboy is kicking the horse for all he's worth, the horse is running flat out, the air is streaming past, and it feels great. Then the horse drops dead. The cowboy is standing there, scratching his head, when the guy on the bike comes by, heading in the opposite direction. Seeing the dead horse, he does a stoppie next to the cowboy. "WHAT HAPPENED???!!!" "Froze to death." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rather recently LA has been hit with floods, riots, fires, and now earthquakes.... I have figured it out.. Somebody is playing Simcity with LA and the next disaster, therefore, has to be the Hollywood Monster! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why don't African-Americans like aspirin? It's white, it works, and you have to pick cotton to get to it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three bikers die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife? The guy answers; "Yes, I never even looked at another women." St.Peter says- "See that Bimota over there? That's your bike to ride while your in heaven". The second guy gets the same question, and answers: "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says " See that new ZX-6 over there, that's your bike to use in heaven". The third guy answers the same question: "I have to admit, I chased every bit of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "ok, but you were basically a good guy, so that old Interceptor over there is yours to use while your in heaven." The three guys go off on their seperate ways. A few weeks later #2 and #3 are riding along on their bikes when they see #1's Bimota parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down on the bar table. They come up to him and #2 says; "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you ride a Bimota, and everything is great!" He says: "I saw my wife today!" The other 2 answer, "that's great! What's the problem" He answers: "She was riding a YSR-50!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 20 Apr 94 19:30:03 EDT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: wb8foz@scl.cwru.edu (David Lesher) Subject: Good Help is hard to find...... Saul stops at deli in Miami that he's never been in before. Emil, the owner seats him and sends over the waiter. Saul is dumbfounded when the obviously Chinese waiter greets him in perfect Yiddish, takes his order, brings it promptly, and even thanks him for stopping there. On the way out, Saul pays the bill and asks Emil "Where did you ever find an experienced Chinese waiter that speaks Yiddish?" "Keep your voice down, please. He thinks we're teaching him English..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A 7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom practicing their swearing. The older boy suggests that it is time they introduce their parents to their new talent. He tells his little brother, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old readily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts with a swift whack on the boy's bottom and tells him to go to his room. The boy runs upstairs, crying and rubbing his backside. With a sterner voice, the mother asks her younger son what he would like for breakfast. The boy replies, "I don't know, but you can sure bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------