------------------------------------------------------------ If all the people in China were laid head to foot in a long line... They would be VERY, *VERY* annoyed. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.'' ``Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've done this today. ------------------------------------------------------------ A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar." ------------------------------------------------------------ A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of '42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says, "What's wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you wanna go to bed with each other. Why can't ya save sex for when ya get married. You should wait until you're married! Sex before marriage is a sin ya know." Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that his generation was a little different. He said that he and his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the condoms. That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend Katey's house for dinner with the family. When they all sat down, Tom asked Katey's father if he could say grace. Her father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the President for the meal they were about to eat. After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said, "Tom, you never told me you were so religious!" Tom smiled back and said, "Well, Katey, you never told me you father was a pharmacist." ------------------------------------------------------------ NEWS BULLETIN!!! Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex. Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the state-of-the-art fish truck when the truck struck the clearly-marked building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had the wheel at the time of the accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources suggest he has a history of drug abuse. The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard right". The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated that they ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish. When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable to be dispatched to the scene. On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for all species. Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to Washington, DC. ------------------------------------------------------------ As a child, Jesus asked his mother, "Who am I?" "The angel of the Lord came down and laid his hand upon me. You're the Son of God," was Mary's reply. Overhearing this, Joseph intoned, "He damn well better be." ------------------------------------------------------------ "When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike. But then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." ------------------------------------------------------------ It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says... Second Man: "Come off it, it's only a hearse." First Man: "But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral..." ------------------------------------------------------------ The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. -- Author unknown ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you get fresh air into a Russian church? A: You click on an icon, and a window opens. ------------------------------------------------------------ Entry in young woman's diary : Monday: Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Tuesday: Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part! ------------------------------------------------------------ "James, I've decided to commit suicide. Drive over that cliff." ------------------------------------------------------------ The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief." Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet. The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!" ------------------------------------------------------------ "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't never going to stand in line again!" ------------------------------------------------------------ How Red-Tape Got Started: Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string, and put a stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs, all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it. Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The newcommer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous new ape takes part in the punishment with enthousiasm. A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs. We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc until all apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs. "But Sir, why not?" "Because that's the way we do things here, lad." ------------------------------------------------------------ A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, the janitor responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her", and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union". The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks". ------------------------------------------------------------ There were 3 guys all waiting in line at heavan's gates, and they were greeted by St. Peter who informed them that this was a busy day and that only those who had gone through a really miserable death would be allowed in. So the first came up and said, "Ok, listen to this.. There was a traffic jam on the parkway this morning and I was 2 hours late for work. As soon as I got in, my boss fired me. On my way back home, my car ran out of gas and since I had no money I had to walk 10 miles home. When I got to my apartment building, the elevator was broken and I had to walk up 40 floors to my apartment. I found my wife in bed completely naked and I just knew that she was cheating on me. So I looked throughout the whole apartment but couldn't find the guy. Finally I looked out the window and saw a guy hanging to the ledge. I was so pissed off that I tried to push him off but he kept clinging on. Finally I got a hammer and smashed his fingers and he fell. But he landed in some bushes, bounced back up and landed without a scratch. Well this upset me so much that I went to the kitchen, got the fridge and threw it down at him, and he died. After all this experience, I died of a heart attack." St. Pete thought about it a minute and said, "Yes, I guess you certainly did have a miserable experience. You may go in." Then the second guy came up and said "Ok, I was doing exercises on the balcony of my apartment on the 41'st floor when I accidentily fell off. Luckily, I managed to grasp on to the ledge on the floor below and a guy came. I thought he was going to help me, but instead he tried to push me off, and then he got a hammer and banged on my fingers until I had to let go. Luckily I landed in a bush and was unharmed. But then he threw a fridge at me and I died instantly." St. Pete thought a minute and again said "Yes, you may go in." So the third guy comes up and says "Picture this - I'm totally naked, hiding in a fridge". ------------------------------------------------------------ Posted in the Berkeley Police Department: SMOKING PROHIBITED BY LAW Scrawled underneath: Jacking off is out of the question. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This story takes place back in the old wild west in a little village on the north side of the Mexican border. This village had a bank, and of course, one day this bank got robbed. So they called in a ranger, and before you could blink, the ranger had brought in a suspect. Unfortunately the suspect didn't speak a speck of english, and the ranger didn't speak any spanish. So the ranger found a wise old man in the village who spoke both, and got him to translate. The following is a transcript of their conversation, with the spanish parts enclosed in brackets so you can tell. "Ask him what his name is" "He says his name is Jose" "Did he rob the bank?" "He says that he did" "Where did he hide the money?" "He says that he will not tell you" At this point the ranger pulls out the biggest gun you have ever seen and puts the barrel between the suspect's eyes and says: "Tell him I will blow his brains out if he doesn't tell me" The poor suspect looks down the barrel of the gun and says: "Mister ranger, he says he is not afraid to die". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only her to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "Were only here to see our dog." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Women don't care how big your dick is. They would, but they're to busy worrying about the size of their tits. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the world's biggest and smartest electronic brain? It took eleven scientists and seventy-seven electronics enginners about sixteen years to build. It was magnificent. It was as tall as a five- story building, weighed 8,000 tons, contained 987,000 transistors and used two million miles of wire. The great day of the big test came. Scientists, clergymen, statesmen and engineers gathered from the four corners of the globe to witness the great moment. It was decided that the first question to feed into this fantastic machine would be: "Is there a God?" A technician fed the question into the machine. It began to buzz violently, lights flashed, tapes whirled, and in a few moments the answer was emitted on the CRT which said: "There is now!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A pig farmer wanted some piglets but unfortunately, he only had a few sows, no boars. Instead of spending lots of money on one, he went to the local veterinarian to ask for information about artificial insemination. "It's very simple," the vet said. "Most folk around here artificially inseminate their own stock". "Really!" said the surprised farmer. The vet assured him. He wasn't too sure about these new-fangled ideas but said he'd give it a try. That night the farmer, who had completely misunderstood the vet, loaded up his pigs into the truck and took them to an isolated spot on his farm where he then proceeded to screw his pigs, hoping to impregnate them. When he got back to the farmhouse, he was completely exhausted and crashed into bed to get some sleep. The next day he tested the pigs and found out that they weren't pregnant. So that night he loaded them onto the truck again; took them away and screwed the lot of them again. He returned totally shagged again and crashed into bed. This went on for a few days but the pigs remained "impregnable" so the farmer decided to give up - he was just too exhausted to keep going. As he was getting into bed to have his first night's good rest in a while, a noise started outside. He wanted to ignore it but his wife told him to investigate in case of burglars. He looked out the window and saw his pigs in the truck, honking the horn and waiting for him. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons. Mrs Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world." Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Lemme tell you about my son Johnathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine. What a man!" Mrs. Lefkowitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35 000 a year, and he's not famous. But his dick is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it." The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I got a confession to makes. Sheldon's an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's a bright young man with a good future." Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confession too. Johnathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn't." They all look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz. "Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too. The last bird gotta stand on one leg." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It seems there was this man who was extremely overweight. He decided that it was time to do something about his problem. He had heard that there was a new weight-loss clinic in town for men only, so he decided to go down to see what they had to offer. As he walked in the front door of the clinic he noticed a sign which read: ------------------------------------- | Miracu-Loss | | ----------- | | In just 1 hour you can: | | lose 15 pounds ... $80 | | or | | lose 30 pounds ... $150 | |___________________________________| Well this guy was a little short on money, so he thought he would try the $80 route this time through. After he paid his money, he found himself standing in what appeared to be an exercise room, all by himself. All of a sudden a cage started descending from the ceiling ... and in the cage, a beautiful woman (naked), with a sign around her neck which read: ------------------------ | If You Catch Me, | | Anything You Want!!! | |______________________| Immediately, thoughts of splendor started reeling through his mind as the cage door opened and she came out. He raced around and around but in his futile attempt just could never get ahold of her. Finally his hour was up, she ran into the cage, the cage door closed, and the cage ascended back into the ceiling. Sure enough, he had lost 15 pounds. So, he went home only about half satisfied, which made him decide that he would go back and try the "30 lb. weight loss plan". As before, he was standing in another exercise room, which was smaller than the other exercise room that he had been in before. The cage started descending, and thoughts of that beautiful girl and the smaller room was almost too much ... but then ... Terror...He saw that this time there was no girl in the cage, at least not humanoid ...It was a huge female gorilla (obviously in Heat) with a sign around her neck which read: ---------------------- | If I Catch You, | | Anything I Want!!! | |____________________| ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. William Shakespeare!" The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The cat presented the family tennis racket to a psychiatrist, who quickly diagnosed, "Your brother is too high-strung." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce Minnie just because you think she's crazy." Mickey Mouse: "I didn't say she's crazy. I said she's f*cking Goofy." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Around Christmas-time, the faithful postman was trudging up to the Johnson's house when, to his surprise, he was met at the door by Mrs. Johnson. Wearing a sheer baby-doll negligee, she invited him into her house and proceeded to give him a scrumptuous feast. The postman was a little perplexed by this, but went along with it figuring hey, any port in a storm :-) He was even more surprised when she then coyly invited him into her bedroom and proceeded to start undressing him. Being the cocky ever faithful representative of Uncle Sam, he stood at attention and, much to his utter shock, got the best screwing of his life. When Mrs. Johnson was finished, she got up and walked over to her purse, and removed a crisp dollar bill. She handed this to the dazed postman, and escorted him out of the house with a smile. Sometime later, Mr. Johnson came home, and found the postman's half-full letter bag (as well as a slightly tossled Mrs. Johnson in a tattered negligee lounging on the couch). Instantly he knew what had happened, and confronted his wife. "Elizabeth, what did you do?", he yelled. "Well, honey, remember when I asked you what we should give the postman for Christmas, and you said "Fuck him, give 'em a dollar?" ------------------------------------------------------------------ They say that Mitterand has 100 lovers. One has AIDS but he doesn't know which one. Bush has 100 bodyguards. One is a terrorist, but he doesn't know which one. Gorbachev has 100 economic advisors. One is smart, but he doesn't know which one. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." Man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Two older ladies were swimming in the pool at a Miami hotel. One of the ladies was about to get out of the pool and the first lady asked if she would bring her a cigarette when she came back. "That's no problem, dear." And pulling a condom from her halter, untied the knot and revealed several cigarettes and some matches. "That's clever. What do you call it?" "Why, it's a condom, dear. You can get them at the drug store." Later that day, the lady went into the drug store and asked the ruggest for some condoms. The drugest looked at the packages of various quantities and asked the lady what size she wanted. "Oh, big enough for a king sized Cammel!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two little old ladies, who have a very weak eye sight go shopping one day. After shopping a while, they decide to go to the rest room. Mistakenly, they walk into the men's room instead of the ladies room. Two men who are equally desperate to take a leek are standing on the urinals and about to begin. The two ladies walk in and the men not knowing what else to do, put their backs against the wall and pretend that they are part of the rest-room fixtures. The first lady mistaking one of the men for the sink, walks up to him and pulls his penis a couple of time. The man looses control and lets go. She then turns to the other one and says, "Oh, My... you should try this one. It has warm water!" The second lady replies, "No dear, I think I'll stick with this one. It not only has warm water, it dispenses liquid soap as well!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert Schuler were driving to a big "tent meeting" together? Unfortunately, they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed. As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that they hadn't any advance notice of this situation and so weren't quite prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all three of them qualified for the very finest accomodations heaven had to offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they weren't quite ready so would they mind waiting a few days? They replied that they wouldn't mind waiting, but were they just going to have to stand there for several days? St. Peter said no, he believed he could arrange temporary quarters for them in Hell. Sometimes Satan was willing to help out in emergencies, whereupon he placed a call to Brother Satan and made the arrangements. They descended into Hell. Noon on the fourth day after their descent St. Peter gets a frantic phone call from the Devil demanding that he remove these three guys from hell immediately. St. Peter couldn't believe his ears and asked what could possibly be wrong with these three upstanding people. The Devil replied, "They are ruining my place down here. In less than four days Jerry Falwell has saved everybody, Oral Roberts has healed everybody, and Robert Schuler has raised enough money to air condition the whole damn place!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. But he has heard about Poland's economic problems, and asks what would happen to his money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the finance minstry, sir", the teller replies. "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," the teller says. "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come to our assistance", the teller responds with growing irritation. "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy paycheck?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's this homosexual guy who works at a pickle factory. His job is at the thing where the machine puts the lids on the jars of pickles. This machine is right next to the pickle slicer. EVERY day and night, this guy just FANTASIZES about the pickle slicer. He cannot get it off his mind. It occupies all his thoughs, and he gets excited every time he thinks about it. Finally, one day, it gets to be too much, and he sticks his dick in it. His boss just so happened to be walking by, sees him, and fires him. So, the guy goes home dejected and all sad, and goes to his lover, "I got fired today." His gay lover gasps and walks up to him and takes off his pants. "Well...You're dick's fine. What happened to the pickle slicer...?" "Oh, he got fired too." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The British Prime Minister is sitting at home one night when Mila is out of town for a couple of days, and he is feeling a bit randy. In order to resolve this situation he decides to pay a visit to the local red-light district. Walking to one particularly well-known area he comes up to a lady of the evening and asks her how much it would cost him for an evening of pleasure. "200 dollars", she replies, "plus 14 dollars tax". Since he was not on an expense account he decides that this price is a little high and continues walking. A short time later he spies another young lady and approaches her with the same question. "100 dollars", she replies, "plus 7 dollars tax". Still a little out of his price range he continues walking. Finally he comes upon another willing lady. He again poses the question to her. She looks at him and asks, "Aren't you Brian Mulroney, the prime minister?". Hoping for a better deal he replies "Why yes, I am. Will you give me a discount?". The woman thinks for a second and then replies, "Mister Prime Minister, if you can raise my skirt like you raised the taxes, lower my panties like you lowered our wages, make me hotter than my apartment ever gets, take charge of me the way George Bush takes charge of you, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep it up like the gas prices, make it as long as the welfare lines and screw me the way you do the public, then mister Prime Minister it won't cost you a damn cent." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on teh fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast light, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts. "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!" The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to a military academy. Six months later the boy came home, and the father decided to take him on another bus ride. Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!" "Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the ass on that bus driver!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's grandfather slipped her an old $500 bill, which she artfully concealed in her left glove. By established tradition, the couple were spending their wedding night in the historic house, and the bride's mother intercepted the girl stealing downstairs shortly after the last guest had left. "Where are you going, Deborah?" she asked. "I happen to have carelessly left my gloves in teh library, Mom, and it's important that I have them," was Deborah's reply. "You march right back upstairs, young lady," admonished the formidable female. "You can grab hold of that thing with your bare hands, just as I did your father's!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Let's do it alternative doggy style!" panted the youth. "How's that?" murmured his date. "With my bone in your mouth." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Brushing by the receptionist, the girl marched into the dentist's office. "Do you remember, Dr. Kaplan, that cavity you filled for me last month?" she snapped. "Why, of course, Miss Smith," the drilling expert replied, smiling. "Is there something wrong?" "I'll say there is, doc! You should have done a capping job before proceeding to the inlay!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Her mother had found the teenager crying and asked what the matter was. "Gee, Mom," answered the girl tearily, "we were told today in sex education that a baby comes out of the same hole that a boy's seed goes into in a girl." "That's right, Pam," said the woman, "but I don't see that it's anything to cry about." "But, Mom," sobbed the girl, "I'm afraid that Eddie's baby may kick out some of my teeth when it's born." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When he discovered that the woman he had pulled over on the deserted road for erratic driving was not only under the influence but also young and attractive, the lecherous policeman smiled to himself. "I'll either have to give you a ride to jail, miss," he announced, "or else give you something else" as he started to unzip. "Oh, no off'cer," the girl managed to protest, "not 'nother Breath-lyzer tes'." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ You and your husband don't seem to have much in common," nosied the new tenant's neighbor. "Why did you marry?" "I guess it was the old business of opposites' attracting," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When a man was convalescing from a heart attack couldn't persuade his wife to let him have intercourse with her, he asked his physician to send him a statement to convince the woman it would be permissible, and so the doctor wrote, "Dear Mrs. Brown: This is to certify that my patient Harry Brown is fully capable of having sexual relations." The next week, Brown telephoned the doctor and said the noted hadn't worked. He then asked if the doctor could supply an amended version. "What change would you suggest?" inquired the physician. "Instead of that 'Dear Mrs. Brown,' just address it 'To Whom It May Concern.'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The young boy entered the living room of his home and sat down beside his mother. After a few minutes of deep thought, he asked "Mom, is it really true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course no," his mother answered, "Where did you get such a foolish idea?" "Well, Dad was talking to someone on the phone just now" the lad explained, "and I heard him say that last night he screwed the ass off his secretary." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three couples went to the parish priest seeking admission into the church. The priest told them that in order to join, they must all abstain from sex for 30 days. At the end of the 30 days, the three couples returned. The priest asked the first couple how they had done. The husband said, "We did just find, Father, for we've been married for 50 years." Then the second couple were asked the same question. "It was difficult the last few days, Father, for we've only been married five years, but we did it," the husband replied. The priest then asked the newlyweds and the husband replied, "We did real well for 29 days, Father. Then I saw my wife bending over a head of lettice and I rammed her from behind." "Well," said the priest, "I'm very sorry, but you can't come back to my church." "That's okay, Father," said the man sheepishly. "We can't go back to the grocery store either." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chuck and Bill, two dim-witted laborers, were working diligently when their foreman announced he was leaving early for the day. After he left, Chuck suggested that if the foreman had a right to leave early, so should they. Bill agreed, and they left going their separate ways. Chuck went to a bar, but Bill went straight home. When he arrived, he noticed the foreman's car in the driveway and heard loud moans coming from the house. He walked to the bedroom window and peeked in. There on the bed were his wife and the foreman screwing with wild abandon! Nervously, Bill left and went to a movie. The next day the foreman again announced he was leaving early. Chuck suggested they do the same as they'd done the day before. "Not me, man," said Bill. "Why not?" asked Chuck. "No one will ever know." "Easy for you to say," replied Bill, "but yesterday that sneaky foreman almost caught me." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts. After a couple of minutes he asked: "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In a village in South America there was a young man that was what some people call a cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinney ones, didn't matter. The thing was, is that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marrige. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with Sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was build that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you one something Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing". She believed him. The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are you?" Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated. "You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, whats the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger asks. Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this. "Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one", he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary. Mary is now angrier and begins to clober the shit out of him. "You dumb ass, pendejo, stupido, ignorante" she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sally was walking down the street when she met another little girl with a confused look on her face. When Sally wasked her, the other little girl said she didn't know whether she was 11 or 13. Sally then asked her: "What's the nicest, best tasting thing she ever had in her mouth?" The other girl replied: "A big chocolate sundae, with melted fudge and lots of sprinkles" "You're eleven," Sally said. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jean Paul and Beaudry, two Louisiana natives, were the best of friends. They had grown up together in the backwoods and did everything together; huntin', fishin, drinkin', just everything. One day they arrived home from a night of coon huntin' and Beaudry found his wife not at home. He waited and then called around looking for her, but never could locate her. He called on his friend Jean Paul and called his wife's church friends and the sheriff, but no one knew where she was. After three days Beaudry became despondant and depressed. that afternoon Jean Paul came by and found his compadre sitting on the porch, his eyes red and strained from worry. "Beaudry my frien'," Jean Paul placed a firm hand on his buddy's shoulder. "I have good news and bad news." "Oh no. Tell me Jean Paul. I know it must be about my wife." "I'm afraid so. I was out with the sheriff and his deputy this morning and we found her car. She had gone through the guard rail and sunk into cottonmouth bayou." " OH MY LORD!" Beaudry wailed "I just knew it would be like this! My poor Yvonne! How will I make it without her! " He cradled his head in his arms and began to sob. Jean Paul did his best to comfort him, as they sat there on the porch."Jean Paul, you mentioned some good news. Please.. tell it to me. I need to hear something comforting in the midst of all my sorrow." "Well," Jean Paul said,"when we pulled her up out o' the water we found 16 crawdad and 4 blue crab latched on her, so we gonna float her out again tonight !" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a vendor was demo'ing his company's latest speech recognition software. He was just about ready to start the demo, and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just as he was ready to start, someone from the back of the room yelled, "FORMAT C : RETURN" (This was mentioned in the Sacra Blue magazine, the monthly newsletter of the SPCUG.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know if this qualifies as a "shenanigan" or not, but last I night had some fun with an obscene phone caller! Before reading this, I have to tell you that I am a male. Having the first name Tracy leads to stuff like this happening from time to time... [ Some names have been changed to protect the ignorant ] The Scene: 3:30 in the morning, my bedroom... last night. I'm dead asleep! You hear the ringing of a the phone right behind my head on the head board. [RING] Tracy: "Huh?" [RING] Tracy (picking up the phone): "Hello?" Mysterious Caller: (In a deep raspy voice) "I want to lick your [fill in the blanks here]"... Tracy (mind still fogged with sleep): [Silence] [Click] The phone hangs up... Tracy (looking at his caller ID system): "Cool..." I get up and jot down the phone number... This is where the fun begins! Since I am now awake and will need a few minutes to get my blood pressure back down to somewhat near normal, I decided to have fun with the obscene caller! I went down to my PC and fired it up... tossed the US Residential Phone Book CD ROM for the mid-west into the drive and did a quick search on the phone number I jotted down from the caller ID. Within seconds, I had the name and address attached to the number! Michael Smith, 837 Appletree Lane... Got it... This is going to be fun! After jotting down the information, I grab the phone... [RING] (A familiar voice answers the phone... it is the person who called me just minutes before) Michael: "Hello??" Tracy (In a well practiced "Voice of Pure Evil"(tm)): "Hello Michael, remember me? You wanted to lick me..." [CLICK] (The "VoPE" is best described as James Earl Jones having a "Bad Voice Day"...) I waited about 5 minutes... and picked the phone up again... [RING] [RING] Michael: "Uh, Hello??" Tracy (using the "VoPE" again): "837 Appletree Lane, Michael... I know where you live!" [CLICK] One more time... waiting about 5 minutes... I pick up the phone... [RING] [RING] [RING] Michael (voice a bit shaky): "He... Hello???" Tracy (once again, the "VoPE"): "I'm coming for you Michael!" I went back to bed... :-) I think Michael might have had trouble doing that himself! Isn't technology GRAND! :-) -- Tracy Schuhwerk -----------------------------------------------------------------------------