Bush and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?" She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off. Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced QUICHE. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Kennebunkport Hillbilly (sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song) Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush. His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush. He drank like a fish while he drove all about. But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out. DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up. Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale. He can't spell his name but they never let him fail. He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk. And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke. Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy. The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam. Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom." Let the common people get maimed and scarred. We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard. Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy. Twenty years later George gets a little bored. He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord. He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be." So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP. Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms. Come November 7, the election ran late. Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!" "Don't let those colored folks get into the polls." So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes. Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade. Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in. Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win." "Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation. And that's how George finally got his coronation. Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority. Y'all come vote now. Ya hear? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Imported From Bosnia" Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye! "I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son." "I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says: "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists in China have recently performed the first successful cloning of a human being. Unfortunately, the DNA donor for the cloning had Turrets Syndrome. As a result, the clone exhibited the same characteristic swearing tendencies as the donor. The lead scientist for the project recently admitted taking the clone to the roof of the science facility and pushing him to his death. This, due to the incessant profanity which the new clone used. The scientist has been charged with making an obscene clone fall. ---------------------------------------------------------- The new hooker just finished her first trick and when she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine." "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much." "So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either." "Finally I said, well, how much do you have?" The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "Well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job." He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said, "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand.........." "Oh my God," they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" she said. ---------------------------------------------------------- A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job when along came Olson. The boss thought, Im not hiring that dumb Norwegian, so he decided to set a test for Ole, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the question, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "without using numbers, represent the number 9". So Ole says, "dat's easy!" And proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "what the heck is that?" Ole says, "tree and tree and tree makes nine." "Fair enough", says the boss. "Second question; same rules, but represent 99." Ole stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go, sir", he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "how on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Ole says, "each tree's dirty. So its dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree, dat's 99." The boss is getting worried, he's going to have to hire him. So he says, "all right, question three, same rules again, but represent the number 100." Ole stares into space again, then he shouts, "got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir, 100." "Go on Ole, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred," says the boss. Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and poops by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. Venn do I start da yob?" ---------------------------------------------------------- The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." ---------------------------------------------------------- PADDY AND SADDAM Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you." "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news. Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment." "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks, 14,000 armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Really?" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as well." Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million men." "Faith and begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners." ------------------------------ A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half," The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back," A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house! ------------------------------------------------------------ There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again, when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears." ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Mikey got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." Little Mikey thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many," Little Mikey quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people." Little Mikey sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards." ------------------------------------------------------------ A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10-speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad,..." the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words." ---------------------------------------------------------- A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and went for a swim. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies came by. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied... "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that they would recognize." ---------------------------------------------------------- A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Oh damn, I'm in deep shit now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Jesus, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard, "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks "What the hell am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that damn monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!" ---------------------------------------------------------- WHAT'LL IT BE? After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf and gave it to him. The head of Budweiser said, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gave him one. The Coors chief said, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." The bartender got it. The Guinness man sat down and stated, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gave it to him. The other brewery presidents looked at him and asked, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replied, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." ---------------------------------------------------------- A Priest and a Rabbi are riding on a plane, each enjoying a leisurely cocktail and after a while start to chat a bit. The priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responds "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and leaned back in his seat to relax. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?" ---------------------------------------------------------- "The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother board her plane. She had in her possession two, six-inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan." ---------------------------------------------------------- A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation" Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse called." ---------------------------------------------------------- THE PHONE CALL Osama Bin Laden phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Bin Laden. "What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush. "LONG LIVE OSAMA!" answered Osama. "I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, many, many beautiful tall, gleaming buildings, filled with clean-shaven workers, both male & female and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" asked Osama. "I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew." ---------------------------------------------------------- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a fellow who is an avid rider. Actually he's a motorcycle fanatic. He has not missed a weekend of motorcycle riding in years. Every Saturday and Sunday morning he gets up very early and goes meets his buddies for a nice long ride. On this one morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his riding gear out of the closet, and goes out to the garage to prepare to leave. While out there it started raining a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing at 30 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the Weather Channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his bike back into the garage and comes back inside. He quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding his bike today?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles carpooled in a Honda..."The Apostles were in one Accord." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba and Billy Bob were out hunting one day, when all the sudden Billy Bob drops to the ground. He's not breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. Bubba whips out his cell phone and dials 911. He frantically tells the operator "My friend is dead. What can I do?" In a calm and soothing voice the operator tells Bubba "Just relax, I can help you if you just follow my instructions carefully. The first thing we need to do is make sure your friend is really dead." After a few seconds of silence the operator hears a gunshot. Bubba gets back on the phone and says "Ok, now what"? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley,when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out,fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage Counselor After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Druggist Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it." "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes.....and the driver is SO rude." She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No that felt like snow to me, dear," she replied. "No I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing." As the man approached the husband said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course" he replied and walked on. But the woman insisted. "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard; here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Boudreaux and Thibodeaux wuz sittin out backa dere trailers shootin deh breeze. Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?" Thib scratched his head for a bit and den sed, "I dunt thunk so...but dat shur would make us even!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Why, Gold, of course!" says the man proudly. The wife responds ruefully, "Why don't you wear Silver. It would be nice if you came second for a change! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------