A GrEaT TRicK A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat", "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table", and "Hey, why are all the cards Aces of Spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean (with the parrot of course). Since the parrot was safely out of the magician's reach, the magician only stared at the parrot with intense hatred. The parrot stared back, neither of them uttering a word. This went on for days. After a week of this staring, the parrot finally broke the silence and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward thepig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said, "Um...would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- one day a man is playing golf... anywho, when he gets to the 9th tee he smacks a beauty that lands close to the green. well as it happens a leprechaun lived close to the 9th hole.... as luck would have it the man's golf ball KO's the poor elf, hitting him right in the forehead. the man ran up, picked up the leprechaun and dusts him off apologizing profusely. "oh i'm SO sorry!" he said over and over straightening the elf's clothes and hat. the leprchaun regains his senses and says to the man, "i'll shall grant ye three wishes for ye kindness. while others would've tried to take my gold you picked me up and looked after me never once even tried to take any gold!". the golfer was taken aback and at once refused. "no, no" he said uneasily. "there's no need for that at all! i won't have it but thanks jsut the same!" and started backing away. well now the lephrchaun is speechless and as such the man got way without any further discussion. later, the elf decides to award the man unbeknownst to him. "i'll just grant him the three things i think any man would be happy to have!" he proclaimed and worked his magic granting the man first, unlimited wealth. second, he bestowed him with wonderful friends and lastly (you knew THIS was coming) he blessed him with a great sex life. well time passes and a few weeks later the leprechaun is standing on his front porch when all of a sudden, the lights go out. yes, he'd been clobbered by another golfball. soon a man came running up and lo and behold, it was the same man from a few weeks ago. well, he sets about picking up and dusting off the poor elf and of course apologizing profusely. the leprechaun comes to his senses again and sees it's the same man he had granted the wishes to. once greetings had been exchanged the elf decides to check his handywork... L-"so tell me, did your life change any since we met?" M-"why yes it did! in fact, as it happens the pair of pants i was wearing are unbelievable: everytime i reach into a pocket, i pull out a $100 bill! i'll never need money again!" L-"do tell?" M-"and on top of that, i've been blessed with *wonderful* friends. at anytime of the day or night, i'm surrounded by the most wonderous friends a man can have. a true blessing..." L-"really now. well fancy that! anything else?" M-"well, no not really...", the man mumbled... L-"WHAT?" roared the leprechaun. "how can that be??? you should have great riches, wonderful friends AND a wonderful sex life!" M-"well, it's ok" said the man. L-"what do you mean? please explain. are you not getting enough?" M-"oh yeah, fine. you know 2 or 3 times a week..." L-"that can't be!! you should be practically exhausted. what's wrong?" M-"oh nothing. really. don't worry about it..." L-"don't worry? why not!?" "well you see, 2-3 times a week is pretty good for a priest..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Pope and the Queen were standing on a balcony in front of thousands of people. The Queen turns to the Pope and says "I bet you I can make every ENGLISH person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their Union Jacks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there saying to himself, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen says "No way, can't be done." So the Pope head-butts her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said: "buuurrrgerrr kiiiinnnng." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Newt Gingrich is on an airplane, flying back to DC. The guy sitting next to him is immersed in a book and pays no attention to Newt. Toward the end of the flight Newt asks: Newt: "What book is that you're reading? Man: "It's called 'Deductive Reasoning'." Newt: "Sounds interesting, what's it about?" Man: "Let me give you an example." Newt: "Okay." Man: "Do you have a dog?" Newt: "Yes, I do, as a matter of fact." Man: "I would deduce from this, then, that you have a yard as well, no?" Newt: "Yes! I do have a yard." Man: "Then I would further deduce that you have a house next to this yard?" Newt: "I do!" Man: "Then I'll bet you have a family, don't you?" Newt: "Yes, a very nice family!" Man: "And you're a heterosexual, aren't you?" Newt: "You betcha! I'm beginning to see how this works!" Later that week, Newt goes out and buys the book on deductive reasoning and is determined to read it cover to cover on his return flight. His plane takes off and he begins reading. Two hours later, the man sitting next to him notices how Newt is so engrossed in this book, and just can't keep himself from being impolite and interrupting: Man: "Excuse me, sir, what's that you're reading?" Newt: "It's called, 'Deductive Reasoning'." Man: "Oh. Then you must have learned how to use deductive reasoning, eh?" Newt: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I have. Let me show you how it works." Man: "Okay." Newt: "Do you have a dog?" Man: "No." Newt: "Well, then, you must be a homosexual!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feeling Stressed Out? Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear and you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up...just for a quick breath...then ploop!...back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now...feeling better? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look long." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A ten year old Pagan boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. They worried about how their son could possibly cope in the world if he didn't understand math. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the very first day of school, the parents were quite surprised when their son walked in wearing a stern, focused and very determined expressionon his face -- and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged from his room just long enough to eat. After quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The son walked in with his report card -- unopened -- placed it in his mother's hand and went straight up to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a big bright red "A" next to the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room -- thrilled at this remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring?" "No." "The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks?" "No." "The teachers?" "No." "The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "Then what was it?" asked the father, excitedly. "Well... On that very first day, when I walked in the front door of the Catholic school, I just knew they meant business! I saw this guy that they had nailed to a 'plus sign'.... -------------------------------------------------------------- A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Motorcycle Mechanic School ============================ A gynecologist was sick of the hassles of medical practice, and decided to retire. He had enough money that he didn't need to work, but he wanted to stay busy. He was also an avid motorcyclist so he decided to become a motorcycle repairman; and enrolled in a motorcycle repair course. At the end of the course he received a letter from the teacher stating that he was the first student to ever earn a grade of 150% on the final exam. He called the teacher for an explanation of why his grade was the best ever. The teacher said, "You disassembled the motor quickly and efficiently - that was 50%. You reassembled it quickly and it started immediately - that was another 50%. The final extra 50% was because you were able to do it all through the tail pipe. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it. "The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" the priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A traveller and his wife leave their hotel room and go to the lobby to check out. The traveler puts down a $50 bill and asks for a receipt. The clerk says that his total bill is $75. The traveler explains that the sign advertises all rooms $50/night, tax included. He insisted that his bill is only $50 since he didn't make any telephone calls, didn't charge anything in the restaurant and didn't use the mini bar. The clerk advised that it's for the food that comes with every room. But we didn't consume any of the food", said the traveler. Well that's too bad. It was there and we charge for it", said the clerk. Well then, you owe $75", said the traveler. What for?" said the clerk. For screwing my wife last night", said the traveler. The clerk explained that he didn't touch his wife. "Well too bad, she was there!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says "What the heck, I really want a drink". When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?". The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks "hey bud, what's the name of your penis?". The gentleman with a smile looks back and says "TIMEX". The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity marguerita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The other gentleman turns to him and prouldly exclaims "FORD". The customer thinks how this naming thing works and says, "Because quality is Job 1..." The gentleman replies, "No. Let me ask you, Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!". ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards." "Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith 'boil!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "Well what is it, Mary?" "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father." "Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Well, yes he did father," replied Mary. "What did he ask, Mary?" Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that calf have a mother?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead sea gull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A cop pulls over a car load of nuns.... Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The UNIX Guru's View of Sex: # unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square"; the second, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule"; the third, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure"; and the fourth man was a Union member. To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square" do your stuff. "T-Square" trotted over to a desk, took some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty good, but the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule" do your stuff. Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good, but the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure", do your stuff. "Measure" got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got out a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, then poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was very good, then they turned to the Union member and said, "What can your dog do?" The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break", do your stuff. "Coffee Break" jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and went home on sick leave. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When Development Engineers go out together on a weekend they talk about football. When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day, back in biblical times, a young woman was accused of prostitution. As an angry mob had cornered her and was about to stone her to death, Jesus stepped forward and said, "Let he who is without sin cast forth the first stone." A calming silence fell upon the once angry mob.....suddenly a little ol' lady stepped forth with a brick in her hand. She threw the brick hitting the young lady in the head and rendering her unconscious. Jesus said, "Mom, you know I love you, but sometimes... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets." "Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation." When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong. "What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700." The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!!", and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais...Sacre bleu!! Ze woman she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert, Albert zere is zis man zis woman...naked in farmer Gaston's field making love!" The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri you are not so old remember ze young love. Ze spring time ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor. "Pierre, Pierre...this is Albert I was in Gaston's field zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex." To which Pierre replied,"Albert, I am a man of science. you must remember, it is spring ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural" Albert, still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman...she is not dead, she is...English." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ London Dying By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the bowels of the British Museum in a case well- sealed and protected lies a strange memorial to their impact on the city of London. London of the early 12th century was on its way to becoming an impressive city, but its life and its blood was the Thames River. Without the river commerce would grind to a halt as the people of London discovered to their horror in 1216........ The first ships seemed simply to have disappeared, but the monster wasted little time in this caution. Soon, many Londoners had seen the gaping maw licked by flames dragging a hapless crew to its death. It was a fire salamander, and in the Autumn of 1216 it was estimated to be 40 feet long with jaws that gaped 10 feet wide. By the spring of 1217, the monster was no longer a nuisance, it was a deadly plague. No boat could navigate the Thames... no raft was small enough, no ship was large enough to resist the demon of the Thames. Worse, the beast was growing! The latest reports called it 70 feet long with jaws opening 15 feet. Our instinct is to discount this absurd growth, and yet few could impeach its source. Honorus Prepares He, our source, enters the story in August of 1217. London had begged, prayed, blasphemed, and killed in desparate attempts to exorcise or appease their curse; to no avail. On June 14, four men painted themselves with the Devil's Cross and proclaimed themselves the Dark Priests of the Beast. They built a ship and doused it in oil; then, they sailed it down the river...Dark Priests they may have been, but they died screaming like any man. On July 28, London sent three virgins (the youngest not yet 13) down the Thames to the monster. It was thought that this would appease the evil god:the monster's hunger exceeded even this atrocity. On August 23, our source received his summons. His given name is lost in his chosen name: Honorus. He was a Templar Knight and possibly a saint. That morning, he was commanded to destroy the beast. London in fear and desparation had turned to their most jealous weapon, the Templars... warrior-monks who fought with the fierce, perhaps fanatic, frenzy of the devout. The city had exhausted all other options; the monks were its last hope, and Honorus was the greatest of the Knights. The battle was truly a footnote to his preparation... Honorus ventured into the woods upstream from London. He forsook shelter, clothing, food, and sleep for four days, meditating on the coming struggle. When the four days ended, he stalked and killed a stag without weapon or aid. With the skin of the stag he made clothing; from its flesh he regained his strength; and with its guts, he lashed five logs into a raft fit for his purpose. Battle and Death Honorus set the raft in motion. He had outfitted himself with the only item he would use in this fight which had not come out of the forest with him. A sword of Spanish steel, blue with the sky, lay in his lap. Soon, he felt the swell of the water disturb his raft: the monster was coming, yet he sat unmoving. The beast broke the surface. No human is perfect; a splinter of the collapsing raft clipped Honorus' left foot as he leapt into the water. He had timed his jump slightly too late, but no matter, the injury will not be important until after the battle. The monster was above the water only momentarily; time enough for Honorus to drive his sword between two of its scales. The monster thrashed in pain,turning its exposed flesh from the steaming water. Honorus was lifted from the water as the beast rolled. He gauged his stroke and leapt, striking the monster's eye. Angered and half-blinded, the beast threw Honorus into the river and grasped him in its immense jaws. Honorus swam quickly past the teeth into the monster's mouth. Inside, the questing tongue scalded his feet as he searched for purchase again, and we shall ignore this injury for now. Once he had braced himself inside the beast's mouth, pushing with all his strength against the slowly rising tongue, he took aim. Honorus had time to make only one thrust. An Interlude: And Who Fought the Battle When his journal recalls these events, it attributes Honorus' "luck" in this battle to aid from the Divine. We do not wish to detract from the glory of God, but surely He will not envy His servant. Is it coincidence that Honorus' blade struck true to the brain? Honorus had already studied carefully the anatomy of the salamander a week before he was summoned to fight the beast. Did Honorus not know that the water's rush against the beast's exposed flank would cause it such pain? In his journal, "August 24:And once I am atop the beast and it has rolled from the water, where then to strike?" A Solution Breeds More Questions Two weeks after Honorus was told to lift the curse of London, the beast was dead. The next day London celebrated Honorus; the town would live becauseof him.Three days later, gratitude had disappeared. The body of the beast had lodged itself firmly in the mire less than half amile downstream of London. Although it was yet intact (perhaps due to its incredible armor), it would surely soon rot. While not so great a terror, the rotting beast would be almost as dangerous as the live beast, attracting disease and scavengers. No ship could move the carcass. The people of London called upon Honorus. Honorus' solution was difficult but practical, and he began as soon as he had retrieved his sword. He fasted for two days; then, he ate the cooked meat of the huge salamander and fasted for a third day. When he suffered no ill effects, Honorus began dissecting the beast. With the help of London,Honorus soon had all the usable meat and intestines of the dead beast transformed into sausage. A Solution Breeds New Solutions A bizarre solution it was, but a good one. The sausage was soon discovered to be excellent and to keep easily for very long periods of time. Even more important, the sausage fast became incredibly popular throughout England and much of Europe. It began to reestablish the fame of London's tradeafter the Hiatus of the Beast. Still, Honorus has one final contribution to this history... It became vital that everyone knew from whence the incredible sausage of London came,and thus we return to Honorus's injuries. After the battle with the live beast and the crisis of the dead beast, Honorus took time to recover. Six weeks after he was first summoned, he was dressing the injuries on his feet. The problems of London were known to him. As he dipped a strip of paper-like gauze into a healing salve, he had a thought. One week later, each sausage shipped from London carried a fascinating new development: a label. Just as the gauze dried and closed on Honorus' foot, the parchment around these sausages was attached; and all would know the fame of London from each link she sold. A Simple End to a Strange Adventure In the end, despite all his other feats, it was this idea, the product label, that survived Honorus. In tribute to this advance, the British Museum houses the only known surviving label from Honorus' sausages. And although even the tough gut of the Beast has long since faded to dust, the label may still be read. If our reader could go to the Museum and enter the Medieval wing's most treasured collection, she could still read, in faint letters, the Label of Honor: It Was The Beast Of Thames, It Was The Wurst Of Thames ------------------------------------------------------------------------