Stalin and his foreign secretary, Molotov, have made a goodwill visit to Poland, and are returning to Moscow on the night train. It's pitch dark. After an hour or so, Stalin says, "I wonder where we are now?" Molotov opens the window, put his hand outside for a second, and says "Still in Poland, Comrade Stalin." Stalin is impressed, but says nothing, for fear of looking dumb. A couple of hours later, Stalin says, "I guess we must be in Russia by now." Molotov puts his hand outside the window again and says, "No, Comrade Stalin, we're only in East Germany." Again Stalin is impressed but keeps quiet. Finally after several more hours, Molotov puts his hand outside the window and says, "Now we're in the USSR." This time Stalin cannot contain his curiosity, and demands to know how Molotov can find his way in the dark. After a bit of hesitation, Molotov replies, "Well, to tell the truth, Josef Vissarionovich, the first time I put my hand outside, somebody spat on it, so I knew we were still in Poland. The second time, somebody kissed it, so I knew we were in East Germany. The third time, somebody stole my watch, so I knew we were in the Soviet Union..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland. When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back. The person says to the tourist "What are you, Catholic or Protestant ?" The American thinks to himself "Great - if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm jewish". This, he thinks to himself will surely keep him safe. The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, an one bell ding-a-linged furiously. "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest. Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling. "Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too." Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and the bell silent. "Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted. "You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers." DING-A-LING. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Halloween Costumes One year at halloween the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party. all the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were. When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse". As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived. Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe. "Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?" The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation" "I'm very sorry sir" said the doorman in obvious shock I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering. "O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the wall of a church was a sign, "If you are tired of sin, come to see us!" And right below it in nice rounded letters; "But if you're not, my phone number is 341 3451" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs. "Get this guy," laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal, "Trying to teach *us* how to do business!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man meets his girl friend of 25 years ago. She was so happy to see him that she couldn't resist and asked him to come up and see her some time. -"With pleasure!" says the man. So he bought some wine and a bunch of flowers and in the evening he went to see her. When the door opens there she was, stark naked. -"What's this?" the man was shocked. She smiles and says, "I wore my birthday dress for you." -"That's great" he says some what embarassed, " But couldn't you have pressed it first?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A good looking girl walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to swim. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. -"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scoulded him. -"Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't" he replied. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young french girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love, lacking much choice the girl agreed. And so everyday the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered. The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl: "I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit the sailor is smart. Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?" ------------------------------------------------------------------ A ways back, when we were debating whether a particular patient's very strange answers on the mental status exam warranted a workup for a possible brain lesion (sadly these days not at all an unlikely proposition), our attending related a true-life parable from a simpler time. As he tells it: I was in Korea doing screening history and physicals for the troops on the way to the front. After a spotless checkup on a certain fine specimen of American manhood, I started in on the "Mental Status" exam. Who is the President, count back from a hundred by sevens, what is meant by A Stitch In Time Saves Nine, and all the usual old chestnuts. We were humming along fine till I came to the "Insight and Judgement" section. I read from my standard-issue manual: You are walking along the street and come upon an unlabeled envelope. In the envelope you find 1000 dollars in unmarked twenty dollar bills. What do you do? The young private stared at me blankly for a moment then crisply replied, "I would report to my superior officer and await further instructions." Dumbfounded, I asked him if that was all. "I would report to my superior officer and await further instructions, Sir." he shot back. Taking pen in hand, I forever eliminated my chances of a military career by noting in the soldier's chart: Recruit displays either the most total lack of imagination and initiative I have ever seen in my career as a physician... or the most perfect dedication to the principles of military thought yet recorded in this battalion. I am not quite sure which. ------------------------------------------------------------------- "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?" "Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork. Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?" "Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork. Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold. "Out scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby stork. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A travelling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone. The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here." And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Who wants to marry a girl who makes biscuits like her Mother? I want to marry one who makes dough like her Father. -----CVRA Journal -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you mix a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel? A: Someone who knocks on your front door at 7:30 Sunday morning, and tells _you_ to fuck off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- I heard that people are getting laid off at IBM. I bet they open their pay envelopes and find, "This paycheck intentionally left blank". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It so happened that the Newfoundland agricultural ministry, anxious to have something to administer, decided to set up some chicken farms. They decided to give away free starter chickens. Well, the first day this old farmer came in and ordered 10,000 chickens. "Great!!!", the minister's secretary exclaimed, "Give th' bye as many as he wants". So the farmer went home with 10,000 chickens. But a week later, the farmer was back with an order for 20,000 chickens. "He must have a really big operation, this is great!! Fill the order", the secretary ordered. The farmer went home with his 20,000. It wasn't long again, though, that the farmer was back for 30,000 chickens, the biggest order the government had seen. Of course, it was filled, and the farmer got his 30,000 chickens. After all this, the secretary decided to go and see this fantastic chicken farm, and to show some other bigwigs the effectiveness of his department at getting the Newfies off fishing boats and onto the land. So, they got a government car and drove to the address they had for the old bye's farm. But when they got there, all they could see was dry old fields and a run-down empty barn, and, of course, the old farmer. "Where in hell are all the chickens we sent you? Thought you had a real spread going here", the secretary blustered. "Well ya' know", the farmer drawled, "Those chicks was the dumbest things. I've been growing things before, y'know, but I guess I'd never see any to beat them. I planted 30,000 of the little suckers, but not one came up!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Texas businessman is in Paris, being wined and dined by his French hosts. "What does it mean," he asks them, "when you say 'savoir faire'?" Managing director of the firm he's visiting says, "Ah. Savoir faire! Imagine, monsieur, that you are at your club playing cards. You leave the club and go home. You call your wife's name, but get no reply. You go up to your bedroom, open the door, and oh, mon dieu, your wife is in bed with another man. You say, 'Pardon. Continue.' That is savoir faire." Maitre d' overhears this. "No, no, no!" he says. "That is not savoir faire. Imagine, monsieur, that you are at your club playing cards. You leave the club and go home. You call your wife's name, but get no reply. You go up to your bedroom, open the door, and oh, mon dieu, you wife is in bed with another woman. You say, 'Pardon. Continue.' That is savoir faire." Busboy overhears this. "No, no, no! These gentlemen have it all wrong. Imagine, monsieur, your wife is at her club playing cards. She leaves the club and goes home. She calls out your name but gets no reply. She climbs the stairs to the bedroom, opens the door, and on, mon dieu, you are in bed with another woman. She says. 'Pardon. Continue.' If you can continue, that is savoir faire." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Priest is sitting in his confessional, hears an old man's voice on the other side of the screen. The old man says, "Father, I'm seventy-nine years old and I've been married to the same woman for fifty five years, always faithful. Then yesterday, I made mad, passionate love with a pair of eighteen year-old twins." The Priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?" The Old Man says, "Never, I'm Jewish." The Priest is puzzled. "Then why did you come here today to tell me this?" The Old Mans says, "I'm telling everybody!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the dyslexic theologians? They got into an arguement about the existence of dog. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man calls his wife at home. "I won the lottery! I won the lottery! It's unbelievable!! Sixty million dollars, baby! Start packing!" The woman is ecstatic. "What should I pack? Winter things? Summer things?" The man says, "I don't care, just be out of the house by the time I get home." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife are on safari in Africa when the wife is attacked by a gorilla and dragged off into the jungle. The gorilla ties the woman to a tree and has his way with her. Leaves her there, goes hunting for food, comes back the next morning and ravishes her again. This goes on for days. Meanwhile, the husband hires a search party and weeks later find his wife, unties her and takes her to a hospital to recover from her ordeal. The husband finally approaches her bedside. "Honey," he says. "You poor dear. After all that's happened, you must feel awful." "Awful?" she says. "I feel terrible! He hasn't written, he hasn't called." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A boat gets wrecked at sea, and there are only two survivors. A man and his dog, a little terrier. Clinging to a piece of lumber, they somehow manage to make it to the shore of an uninhabited island. The man builds a little lean-to, finds a source of freshwater, discovers some fruit-bearing trees. Pretty soon, man and dog settle into a semblance of normal life. One day they're walking through the interior of the island and they come into a valley dotted with a herd of sheep. Now, the man doesn't exactly have a yen for animals, but he's a little lonely for love and picks one sheep out of the herd. Then, just as he places his hands on the sheep's hips, the terrier starts to yap like crazy. The mood is a little broken, so the man figures he'll try again another time. A few days later, the man wakes up very early in the morning. He sees the dog is sound asleep by the fire, so he quietly gets out of bed, tiptoes toward the valley. There's a full moon, and he fines his sheep soon enough. Then, just as he's about to have a go, the terrier comes running down the path, yapping and yipping and generally making a nuisance of himself. Man gives up. A month passes. The man and his terrier are walking along the beach one day when they come upon an unconscious woman, an extraordinarily beautiful one at that. Clearly the victim of another shipwreck. She's soaked to the skin, her dress tattered. Her thighs are soft and pink, her bare shoulders like alabaster, her lips and cheeks appear as if sculpted by Michelangelo. The man, who just happens to have been trained in CPR, immediately sets to work with mouth-to-mouth and artifical respiration. Finally, the water pumped from her lungs, the woman returns to consciousness. "Where am I?" she asks. "What happened?" The man explains. "You were in a shipwreck, and I found you here. There's no one else her on this island, just you and me." The woman stares into his eyes. "You saved me life. I...I...I don't know how to thank you." She wets her lips with her tongue. "Is there anything," she asks, her breath hot on his neck, "anything I can do for you?" The man thinks for a second, and says, "Well, if you could watch my dog for about fifteen minutes..." --------------------------------------------------------------- It seems that there was a man who was told by his doctor that, due to an extremely rare and incurable disease, he would not live out the night. However, he could go home and spend his last few hours on this earth as he chose. Naturally, the man was extremely despondent. He went home and told his wife about the doctor's diagnosis. After her initial horror, she fixed him his favorite meal and they enjoyed a very pleasant evening together. When they went to bed, they proceeded to engage in a very spirited bout of lovemaking. Afterwards, his wife rolled over and went to sleep. He found that he couldn't sleep because of his impending demise. After an hour or so of tossing and turning, he woke his wife and persuaded her that they should make love again. Afterwards, even though he was exhausted, he still couldn't sleep. And so, an hour later, he woke his wife again. When the man woke his wife for the third time, she peered at him groggily and said, "Aw, come on honey, not again. I have to get up in the morning and you don't." --------------------------------------------------------------- Cinderella was crying in the corner because she couldn't go to the ball. Her fairy godmother asked her why, and she cried, "Because I don't have a diaphragm!" Poof! The fairy godmother waved her wand, and there was a diaphragm, exactly Cinderella's size. Cinderellas eyes lighted up, and she skipped out the door to go meet the prince. "Beware!" the fairy godmother cried after her. "Return before midnight, or the diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin!" Later the clock struck 12, and Cinderella had not returned. 1 o'clock came and went, then 2, and 3. The fairy godmother was getting very worried. Finally at 4 am Cinderella walked in, a big grin on her face. "Oh, my poor child, what happened? Are you all right?" asked the fairy godmother. "I'm just great!" replied Cinderella. "I met this guy named Peter Peter..." ----------------------------------------------------------------- This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no *man* has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir", came the reply, "This is his morning ritual." "Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?" The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation. "Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?' ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a visiting Chinese theoretician was given a tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, he was asked to interpret various styles of painting. He said "Expressionism is painting what you feel. Impressionism is painting what you see." "But then, what is socialist realism?" he was asked. "That," he said,"is painting what you hear." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man walks into tattoo parlor, approaches the proprietor: "Hey, I want a tattoo of a hundred-dollar bill on my wanker." Proprietor can't believe this guy. "You must be out of your mind. I'm not going to put a tatoo on your dick." Man gets upset. "Look, I've got the cash in my hand, and I want a tattoo of a hundred-dollar bill on my dick. Now are you running a tattoo parlor or not?" Proprietor softens. "Look, I still think you're crazy. Can you give me three good reasons why you want a hundred-dollar bill tattooed on your dick, of all places?" Man replies "Well, I like to keep my money where I can get my hands on it. I like to see my money grow. And my wife will blow a hundred-dollar bill in a heartbeat!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this priest who wanted to "spread the good word" in areas where need was greatest. He thought that the best place to start was in Africa. So off he went. He went into a deep jungle, and found a tribe. In his haste, he forgot that he would have to teach these people English, first. So, he selected what he thought was the smartest of the tribesmen and began his teaching. They went for long walks in the jungle, first the priest would point to a rock and say, "Rock". And the native would say "bagwundame". And the priest would repeat "Rock", and the native would say "roock". Then priest would point and say "tree", native would say "tree", and so on - Until the native had a minor understanding of English. It was on one of these "nature walks" that the pair stumbled upon a clearing, and on the other edge of the clearing was a young couple making love. Well, this embarassed the priest, and as he turned to leave the tribesman asked, "What they do?". The priest, being flustered, said "UUUhhh, why, they're uh, uh, mmm, Fuc.. *er* no they're scre...*er* mmmaking whoop..*chough* THEY RIDE BICYCLE!" He figured, hey, this guy's never gonna see a bicycle anyway...so... Instantly, the native whips out a blowgun and shoots both lovers dead on the spot. The priest is outraged! "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?? THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ANY TWO PEOPLE CAN DO!! WHY???", cried the Priest. The native answered simply, "He ride MY bicycle" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Associated Press reported that Mikhail Gorbachev told the following joke to a gathering of journalists in the Kremlin lobby: They say that Mitterand has 100 lovers. One has AIDS but he doesn't know which one. Bush has 100 bodyguards. One is a terrorist, but he doesn't know which one. Gorbachev has 100 economic advisors. One is smart, but he doesn't know which one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." Man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two older ladies were swimming in the pool at a Miami hotel. One of the ladies was about to get out of the pool and the first lady asked if she would bring her a cigarette when she came back. "That's no problem, dear." And pulling a condom from her halter, untied the knot and revealed several cigarettes and some matches. "That's clever. What do you call it?" "Why, it's a condom, dear. You can get them at the drug store." Later that day, the lady went into the drug store and asked the druggest for some condoms. The drugest looked at the packages of various quantities and asked the lady what size she wanted. "Oh, big enough for a king sized Cammel!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two little old ladies, who have a very weak eye sight go shopping one day. After shopping a while, they decide to go to the rest room. Mistakenly, they walk into the men's room instead of the ladies room. Two men who are equally desperate to take a leek are standing on the urinals and about to begin. The two ladies walk in and the men not knowing what else to do, put their backs against the wall and pretend that they are part of the rest-room fixtures. The first lady mistaking one of the men for the sink, walks up to him and pulls his penis a couple of time. The man looses control and lets go. She then turns to the other one and says, "Oh, My... you should try this one. It has warm water!" The second lady replies, "No dear, I think I'll stick with this one. It not only has warm water, it dispenses liquid soap as well!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits." At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. "I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman reported to her neighbor, "I had a frightening thing happen today. I answered the phone and a voice said, 'The rabbit died.' I said, 'Quick, is this the doctor or the mechanic?'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech impediment can be cured. The doctor thouroughly examines the man and finally asks him to drop his pants. Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted up to the neck area. The patient then asks, "wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i- t?" to which the doctor replies, "modern surgery can work miracles. We can replace your dick with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear right after the operation." The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering dissapears. About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains, "doctor, I am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big dick and rather than lose her I've decided to get my old dick back and live with stuttering for the rest of my life." The doctor then looks straight at the man and replies, "d-d- de-deal's a d-d-deal." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral. The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm, and one day we counted the eggs in the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "Very good," said the teacher. The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk." Very good," said the teacher. The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the grenades." "Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher. "Don't fuck with my dad when he's drunk." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems alot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw. It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!" Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school. Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!" Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple has a male friend from visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife, but could you at least stop using my ass for a scoreboard?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A tired looking gentleman walks up to a bar and asks the bartender quite explicitly for nine double martinis, extra dry, hold the olives, and to serve them all at once, right away. The bartender gives the man a curious look, but to no effect, and proceeds to mix and pour the man's request. The gentleman picks up the first and turns it up quickly before the bartender can finish pouring even the second one, and proceeds to drink each one in turn. Finally the bartender has to ask. "Why all the drinks?" "Celebrating!" "Oh? What's the occasion?" "My first blowjob." "Well, congratulations. Let me give you one on the house to make it an even ten." "No thanks. If this doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help any." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy." The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, _how_ do you know you're going to have a boy?" "Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy." They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, _I'm_ going to have a girl." "OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?" "Well, when _my_ child was conceived, I was on bottom. So I'm going to have a girl." They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing? "What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern? The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing.... "I'm going to have a puppy!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an an Indian lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air. He asks the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies "I'm telling the time." The man tells the Indian that he doesn't believe it, so the Indian tells him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00. He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up. He asks this Indian what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time. He tells the Indian to prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct. He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying naked in the sand, masturbating. He asks this Indian "and what the hell are you doing?" To which the Indian replied: "I'm winding my watch!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Irishmen, Abdul and Mohammed, are driving their camel across the desert. At the last two oases, the camel has refused to drink, and is now quite dry. They fear he will die of dehydration. They reach one more oasis, and after Abdul and Mohammed have slacked their thirst, they start to work on getting the camel to drink. No amount of urging, cursing, or beating the camel with sticks will get him to drink the water. Finally, in desperation, Mohammed tells Abdul: "We will force him to drink. I will grab his ears and push his head down into the water. Meanwhile, you go around the back and suck.' Abdul agrees, and they begin the plan. After several minutes have passed, Mohammed asks Abdul: "How are things coming back there?" Abdul replies: "I think you have his head too low, all I am getting is mud!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news" The man asks for the good news first, "The good news is that you have 24 hours to live", says the doctor. The man, increduously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??" "I couldn't reach you on the phone yesterday" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman seven months pregnant got on a streetcar. She sat opposite a young man, who started to smile. She moved to another seat and the young man began to grin. Feeling embarrassed she changed her seat and the young man began to chuckle. Again she changed her seat and the young man laughed out loud. Slightly insulted she complained to the conductor, who in turn had the young man arrested. The case came up in court the next day. The judge asked the young man if he had anything to say. "Well your honor," the young man said. "it's this way: When the lady entered the streetcar, her condition was apparent, which in itself was not funny. She sat under the sign ``The Goldust Twins are Coming'' and I had to smile. Then she sat under the sign ``Sloan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling'' and I had to grin. She moved again under the sign ``William's Stick Did It'' and I had to chuckle. But your honor, when she sat under the sign ``Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented this Accident'' I simply could not control myself!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrance in the Obstetrics Department: a child was born with both male and female organs. A penis and a brain. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" and again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, a couple of weeks ago, I was writing in my notebook the lament "Warm beer and cold women, that's the story of my life." A rather good looking coed sitting next to me noticed what I had written, and replied "That's really sad. I'll help you out. Come with me after class." Naturally I did, and we went to her room. I had one of the coldest bottles of Rolling Rock I ever had. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young boy was playing in the backyard when his father saw him stepping on flowers and pulling out plants. "Just for that," he said, "you don't get anything made out of flour for a week !" The boy was upset and walked away. A short while later, the father looked through the window and saw the boy hitting butterflies with his tennis racquet in the garden. He went running outside and yelled, "Just for that, you naughty boy, you don't get any butter for one month !" Later that day, the boy's mother came home in a really bad mood and as soon as she saw a couple of cockroaches in the kitchen, she started stepping on them. The young lad looked up at his father and whispered, "Well, are you going to tell her or will I ?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young man nervously walked into a drugstore, determined not to be embarrassed as he bought his first prophylatic. Summonning all the his courage, he managed to get his request to the clerk. Being a true salesman, the clerk said that he couldn't buy just one condom, but must purchase a package of 6, 9 or 12. "Why only those quantities?" piped the lad. The clerk explained, "Well, the package of 6 is for the Greeks. One for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, but never on Sunday. The box of 9 is for the Italians: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and 2 each for Friday and Saturday nights." "And the 12-pack?" "That's for Jews. January, February, March..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday" "Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked. "Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission" "Do you mean like this??" He touches he arm. "Yes father." "That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch" "But father he also touched my breasts" "You mean like this??" He touches her breasts. "Yes father." "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he took off my clothes." "Like this??" He takes off her clothes. "Yes father". "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where." "Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where. "Yes father," she says sometime later. "But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he had the clap" "THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a family meal one night, 3 generations of the family are sitting around chatting. A 4 year old is sitting on her grandfather's knee. Kid: "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?" Gramps: "What?" Kid: "Can you make a noise like a frog?" Gramps: "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog" Kid: "Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak we can all to to Disneyland" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------