BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN METRO DENVER


1.  A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many  
    people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in 
    the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back 
    in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2.  Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real Denver driver
    never uses them.

3.  Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
    and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody
    else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4.  Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered
    "going with the flow."

5.  The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
    you have of getting hit.

6.  Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work.   
    Colorado is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have 
    anything to lose.

7.  Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that
    your ABS kicks in giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake 
    pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch 
    your legs.

8.  Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after
    you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

9.  The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to
    provide useful information. They are only there to make Colorado 
    look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the police car
    parked in the median.

10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
    way to scare people entering the highway.

11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
    apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up
    or move over doesn't mean that a Denver driver flashing his
    high beams behind  you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

13. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
    rush-hour traffic.

14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
    someone changing a tire.

15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps
    the existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway 
    crews something to clean up.

16. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, (especially
    pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge
    or Chevy logo.)

17. Learn to swerve abruptly. Denver is the home of high-speed slalom
    driving thanks to potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes
    and keep them on their toes.

18. It is traditional in Denver to honk your horn at cars that don't
    move the "instant" the light changes.

19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
    before proceeding.

21. Heavy snows ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the
    previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way 
    ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards,
    and new vehicle sales.

22. Remember that the goal of every Denver driver is to get there first,
    by whatever means necessary.

23. Real Denver women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup
    at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Real 
    Denver men drivers can phone, drink coffee and shave at seventy-five 
    miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.