Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are
probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and
dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to
make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition: (Tick those that apply)

___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band
prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

___ The fact that you attended the University of West of England and/or
root for Exeter City demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence
requirements.

___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to
pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of
basic economics.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by
the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for
this position.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside
after I opened the passenger side door for you.

___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit your application.

___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when
it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the
alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are
far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to
heterosexuality.

___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your
ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic
abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you
seriously.

___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount
importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team
into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just
like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

___ As a practice I do not normally discriminate against single
mothers, and although I understand the youngster was named for her
father, I do not think "Sturgis, South Dakota" is an appropriate name
for a little girl.

___ Your revelation that you, a 30-year-old, had dated your previous
boyfriend,an alcoholic, for 16 years raised some serious questions
about your mental state.

___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)>