Ultimate Oneness

By JAY JENNINGS

NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and
Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant conglomeration
of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just
behind Barney.

In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and
the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their
market share.

"This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word."

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CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of
consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form
Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will
combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever."

The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and
chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.

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BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he
had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase
production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one
novel a month.

The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol and
Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists
working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts
say the acquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads
into new markets, like college literature classes.

"It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with
The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking
for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production
schedule."

An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through
when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John Updike.

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WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across the
country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of
Dogs.

The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will supplant the
recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of home
companion services.

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PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the
biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces
into one sex, to be called Humanicorp.

The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but
early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle
to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There are also
serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved.

A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to merge
with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for them.
Women were unavailable for comment.

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ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons of
discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have
decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell.

"Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared
simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all radios and
personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this
as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of
consumers."

Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be
chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of
president.

Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the
executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined
company.

Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign
in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back."

Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any
layoffs.

Jay Jennings is a writer in Concord, N.H.