[I originally posted this to comp.sys.mac.???, where yet another
my-computer-is-better religious war had finally degenerated into
something a bit more fun to read.  So I added to the inspired mess
this piece of foolishness, which I believe is original.  Somebody
suggested I send this to rec.humor.funny, so I cleaned it up a bit,
added some late-breaking thoughts, and took the plunge.  Here is my
two seconds of fame....]

>Babbage engine, circa 1843...
>Still using it daily. Works great as long as you oil it.

>I beat you all.

Come on people: you are all missing the most obvious upgrade path to the
most powerful and satisfying computer of all.  The upgrade path goes:

	* Pocket calculator

	* Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair
	  (Choose any of the above)

	* IBM PC

	* Apple Macintosh

	* Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

	* Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

	* Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice)


And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities:


	* G R A D U A T E   S T U D E N T S


Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly
graduate students.  Imagine the advantages:

	* Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have
	  students.  You can easily add more power by promising more
	  desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college
	  through your guidance.  Special student units can even
	  handle several tasks *on*their*own*!

	* Full voice recognition interface.  Never touch a keyboard or
	  mouse again.  Just mumble commands and they *will* be
	  understood (or else!).

	* No hardware upgrades and no installation required.  Every
	  student comes complete with all hardware necessary.  Never
	  again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation!
	  Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing
	  utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous
	  end) and off it goes.

	* Low maintenance.  Remember when that hard disk crashed in
	  your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit
	  bucket in the sky?  This won't happen with grad. students.
	  All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!*
	  upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run
	  good as new.

	* Abuse module.  Imagine yelling expletives at your computer.
	  Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there
	  and ignores you.  Through the grad. student abuse module you
	  can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot!

	* Built-in lifetime.  Remember that awful feeling two years
	  after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new
	  faculty member on the block sneered at you because his
	  FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your
	  dinosaur?  This doesn't happen with grad. students.  When
	  they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them
	  the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for
	  themselves.  Out of sight, out of mind!

	* Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane
	  equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy
	  chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely
	  synthetic macaroni replacements.  It is entirely unnecessary
	  to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does
	  get them going a little faster from time to time).

	* Expansion options.  If your grad. students don't seem to be
	  performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager
	  or software engineer upgrade.  These guys are guaranteed to
	  require even less than a student, and typically establish
	  permanent residence in the computer room.  You'll never know
	  they are around!  (Which you certainly can't say for an
	  AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk
	  with its ten noisy fans....)  [Note however that the
	  engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the
	  idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as
	  incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly
	  screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous
	  messages on world-wide bulletin boards.]

So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks
and DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage.  The wave of the
future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today!  You'll never
go back!

-- 
   Christopher Lishka
   PPE Division, CERN
  lishka@dxcern.cern.ch