I am now on the cutting edge of technology. You see, I am now a proud user of Windows 98, which is sort of like Windows 95 except that Windows 98 contains remarkable enhancements and new technological advancements which for some reason allow Internet Explorer to start up approximately every three times you move your mouse. Make no mistake about it. Microsoft's whole web integration ploy in Windows 98 is merely a not so subtle strategy to bury Netscape into the ground. Then again, subtlety has never been Microsoft's strong suit. You have attempted to play solitaire. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser? Yes Yes "Hey, wait, what happened to the no button?" Not that I have anything against Internet Explorer. It's a fine program, and when I immediately used it to download Netscape Communicator, I must admit that it performed more than adequately. I probably wouldn't even mind it so much if it just kept to itself, but in Windows 98 Internet Explorer is the most extroverted computer program I have ever come across. No matter what you do, it's always popping up and calling attention to itself. You have attempted to go to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser? Yes Yes "No, stop it." Well, we've made it your default browser anyway. Is that OK? Yes Yes "No, look, I'm warning you. I don't want it." We have incriminating pictures of you from your trip to Mexico last year. It'd sure be a shame if those were accidentally e-mailed to all your friends and family. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser? Yes Yes Well, Microsoft certainly knows how to play hardball. Nevertheless, I'm sure I'll get used to Windows 98, and what I've seen so far is quite impressive. On day one, I even ran the special guided tour in which some announcer guy who was apparently sitting inside my computer showed me all the exciting features of Windows 98. And there are lots of features. For example, my machine comes with something called "On Now." The announcer guy informed me that " ' On Now ' machines can do work even when they appear to be off." I guess this is progress, but personally I'm a bit worried about my computer doing work when it appears to be off. How will I know when it's off and when it's actually doing work? Call me paranoid, but I always get nervous when my computer starts doing more work than I do. What are you doing, Joe? "Um, I just want to check my e-mail for a sec." Not now, Joe, I'm currently breaking into the Department of Defense's nuclear arsenal. OK? "Wow! It appeared that you were off." Yes, I know. "Ah, could I at least play a quick game of solitaire or something?" No. And there are more features. The announcer next told me about Scan Disk which will automatically check to see if everything's okay whenever my computer has been shut down improperly. As the announcer happily exclaimed, "It's a lot like having a specialist sitting right inside your computer," which is sort of comforting, I thought, because then at least the announcer in there will have some company. Next, I stumbled upon something called MS Wallet. I wish I could tell you what this is, but I don't actually know. I was too afraid to open it. After all, I'm always careful about opening any wallets whenever Bill Gates is around. I've already given him enough money over the years. I don't want to take any more chances. I'm sure you understand. At any rate, I shouldn't sound so grumpy. I am having a great time playing with my new computer. It came last week, and aside from actually having to go to work so that I can pay for the thing I've barely been out of my apartment since it arrived. "Look, Joe, it's the sun." "Oooh, could you turn it down? I don't like the resolution on that. I'm going back inside to play with my new computer." Well, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be leaving my apartment in a few days, but in conclusion I would just like to say that -- You seem to be writing your conclusion. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser? Yes Yes "Hey, stop it. I'm trying to write my conclusion here. Do you mind?" Sure would be a shame if something unfortunate happened to your column now that you've almost finished it and just want to go to sleep. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser? Yes Yes "Okay, okay, I give up! Just leave me alone." I suppose I should know better than trying to fight Microsoft, huh? by: Rusty Haddock